I went to see Labor Day this past weekend, and although the reviews said the woman had Stockholm syndrome, it was interesting to see how deeply the movie went. It's not often I need to explain a movie to my husband. This movie went into some very deep places that maybe only those women who have been there can truly understand.
Not many people understand why I have anxiety. Most would believe it's due to being diagnosed with Epstein Barr several years ago, as it tends to damage the nervous system. The reality is that I have learned how to manage the auto immune disorder so that it doesn't control me.
I've had many experiences in my life and as I get older I realize the physical effects of those experiences. It's not huge things, just little ones, and I realize that overcoming them is a big deal.
Next month I will be coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my baby deciding to stay with God. Over this past year, I won't lie, I've had break downs, discouragement, and outright depression. Some days it's a struggle just to get through the day. I feel grateful for my job where I can concentrate on others and it does help. I still struggle with the anxiety, especially when I get around people I don't see very often and large groups of people. It's then that I look with panic to find out where my big strong sons are to lean on. my children and my husband are a strength they cannot even begin to understand.
I found in this movie a real representation of something I struggle with everyday. The difference was that this woman allowed it to consume her. There is no going back in our experiences, but we can choose how to live having had the experience.
After I had experienced my loss something told me that I needed to be around people no matter how hard it was. I have to say that I am a survivor! There are many types of survivors, The doctors say my life was in danger just giving birth to that precious little boy, but I never believed I was in danger that way. Little did I know what kind of danger I would later be in. The danger of being left in survival mode.
The woman in the movie just existed from day to day, and she had so completely shut herself off from the world as a whole that she no longer had the ability to interact with it. When I have strangers come to visit, I load up on B12 vitamins and dark chocolate to make sure I can get through the experience. Large groups of people almost send me into a complete shut-down, and it took me a while to figure out what was really happening.
You see, an experience such as one that so many women have had leaves us raw and super sensitive everyone's energy levels around us. Some children are born with this super sense and we can't quite figure out why when someone with a bulldozer personality approaches, the child spins out of control. Since I have become this survivor, I understand with such a depth why that happens. A child cannot comprehend what is happening and doesn't know how to react to such situations. But as an adult, I can see a little further and once I realized that being in a large group means that you are picking up on large amounts of varying energies it helped me to know that I have be extra careful and pick my place in the room where maybe I can have a quick escape if I need air.
It is possible to overcome, but to those who haven't experienced it first hand it may be difficult to explain. "Well, my dear that tragedy happened a year ago, aren't you OK yet?" Being OK is a relative term and we go on and we pretend and we even can smile, laugh and have fun. Does it mean that the pain is completely gone or the side effects won't be there anymore? The reality is that when you go through something you are changed forever. The first time you kiss your true love, the first time you look at your beautiful new baby, The first time your child calls you mommy. There are defining moments we all go through. My c-section delivery was another defining moment, but nothing can prepare you for the lasting effects of losing a baby, and most people can never fully understand how far reaching those effects can be. Every once in a while I notice something else.
It's amazing that I could totally relate to the woman in this movie although the anxiety hasn't consumed me, I could understand what brought her to that point, because it's something I work to overcome every day of my life. It's my new normal. I can be honest and say that there are many days when shutting down like the woman in the movie is extremely tempting, but I have children who need me, I have responsibilities and people who rely on me for various things.
This life is all about overcoming and reaching up to be the person we came to this earth to be. It is in these moments when we choose to be a survivor and a strength rather than a burden and an anchor to our loved ones that we define ourselves and what we can accomplish
