For as long as I can remember having an August birthday seemed to be a terrible thing for those around me. I personally loved having a summer birthday, Summer is my favorite season. I love that in summer the world is alive it's warm outside, there are so many opportunities in the summer.
I was always told that being born under the sign of the Leo was terrible. Leo's were always hogging the spotlight, they always want their own way, proud and stubborn. Then there was the birthstone, really? could August get a stone that had something redeeming about it? Even the calendars always picked the worst pictures they could for August. It was as if the world hated August, There's no holidays in August, usually you have to either go back to school shopping or now days school starts in August. It seems to be the month that has been taken for granted.
Back when I was a child and school didn't start until September, we used to love going camping in August. finish up the wood cutting for the winter, get in those all important summer rays and enjoy the time we had before school started.
I love that in August the weather starts to cool a bit, but still remain warm enough to go outside and play and enjoy the outdoors. the monsoon season is coming to a close but you can still count on some wonderful summer rain storms.
It seemed that everyone I met told me I wasn't like any other Leo they had met. apparently that was supposed to be a compliment. This year for my birthday month I have really been studying what the signs and stones I was born under mean and embrace this part of me. Even though I don't get too far into astrological things I do believe that the time of year we are born means something. I want to embrace every part of who I am and love the time of year I was born. That means loving all that goes with it, no matter where it comes from.
I started with my birthstone. Apparently I'm not the only one who has struggled with Peridot. the jewelry store says that people come in and tell them "mine is the ugly birthstone" When I was a child every piece of jewelry I got was peridot on top of that I was a child during the ugly era of the 70s every color of green was super awful! Then my mother would force me to wear the most hideous dress, double knit polyester in, you guessed it, dark green.
I wouldn't say I hated green, but I gained a belief that green was an amazing color as long as it was not on my clothing or in my house. I love looking at green in nature, it's beautiful! For my entire life I have really and truly though, avoided the color green as an accessory and more important I have avoided my birthstone.
About a month ago, I have an awakening of sorts. I had been feeling rather unbalanced, I would use light therapy to help, but it seemed to only last so long. I used supplements and seriously without them I would not be able to keep going, but I ended up with a very strange rash on my neck. could not get it to go away. I cleaned all my jewelry, I separated out all the jewelry that wasn't a pure metal. One night as I was sleeping I dreamed I was using green light it was a light green and it was healing me deep inside of myself. After that experience I started to see improvement with the rash. I found myself talking to my sister shortly after and she advises me that she thinks I need green light. Well, green light is hard to find and mostly because the research isn't as magnificent as for red and blue. But in my light system are frequencies that resonate with the green light. I became intrigued with the color of green.
What better place to start than with my birthstone! You really can't get any more green than that! I've always believed in color therapy and I know that colors carry frequencies; combine that with a natural stone and that frequency is enhanced along with the other minerals in the stone.
I found out that Peridot is a super cool stone! It has iron in it which emits a slight yellow hue to the green. they say it's the sun coming through the stone. Peridot is formed from volcanoes in the molten rock of the upper mantle and brought up to the surface by the tremendous forces of earthquakes and volcanoes. (https://www.crystalvaults.com/crystal-encyclopedia/peridot) this is the fire stone, which is interesting as the element for August is Fire. Peridot is excellent for the solar plexus and has been said that it absorbs the power of the sun. It is also used for healing of the heart, thymus, lungs, gallbladder, spleen and intestinal tract. Peridot is often called the extreme gem as it is a powerful cleanser to assist the body in releasing and neutralizing toxins on all levels. It is considered the Vitamin D of the healing crystals. Did I mention it is a symbol of prosperity? It's hard to find a stone that is as cherry and uplifting as Peridot.
I mentioned that Peridot is often referred to as the fire stone. This is because it is said to harness the power of the sun. the element in Traditional Chinese medicine for the month of August is fire. those of us born in August have a fire that moves us and pushes us ahead. If sometimes it feels like we are dragging you with us, please don't be offended. When we find something we love we want to open up our hearts and share that passion with our friends and family. The passion we have also allows us to be compassionate and have a deeper understanding of others. I remember many times in my life when I was told I felt deeply and I thought deeply. I have known in my circle these people who come under the element of fire and surprising for the nay-sayers is that these people are the ones out there teaching and helping others to reach higher and go further. They are solid in their foundations and once they understand a concept it's hard to remove them from it.
That stubborn quality that so many think of when they think of the Leo, I believe is that passion. Leo's and fire element people are extremely loyal, and sometimes what looks like selfish is really focused. It doesn't mean they can't stand up for themselves, but be careful about how far you push a Leo or fire element person, because they can take a lot of heat, but just like a fire when pushed too far, there can definitely be an explosion.
The one thing I love about Leo's is the Leo is a lion! The lion is the king (or Queen) of the jungle they are protective of their pride by nature and take pride in who they are and understand their responsibilities. This doesn't mean that you will never meet a Leo who falls down on the job, I think those types exist no matter when they are born, but honestly to do so is really and truly going against their inherent nature.
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
Waiting for my son to return to me
Mom's have their hearts broken in many ways. Some mother's lose their babies at birth, some have a child who commits suicide, Some may have a child die in a car accident. I have experienced the loss of a baby, my heart broke into a million pieces, It's something I live with everyday, but I have comfort knowing I will see my child again after this life and that he is watching over my family as an angel. But,now my heart has been broken for 3 years now and it continues to break over and over and over for my son who is still alive.
In 1995 I gave birth to a beautiful Son. His sweet spirit was so gentle and kind even while he had been in the womb. He emitted nothing less than that of the love of the Savior. This is a gift he carried with him to earth and to my home. His birth was pretty rough, 8 hours, and transition was almost more than I could bear, but the thought of having this amazing person in my life and the gift that God was sending to me gave me the strength to keep going. I know many moms who know what I'm talking about, we will do anything, even to give our own lives for the life of our child. After he was born we found out his lung had been popped, he was rushed to the hospital where he spent 2 days under oxygen. He was truly a miracle in every way.
When he was in high school he started dating a girl, not unlike most young men his age he was quite taken with her and the more he learned about how hard of a life she had growing up, the more he was determined to make things better for her. I remember being a little concerned because I wasn't so sure she was genuine, but like most parents we support our children in their decisions the best we can
She was a year behind him in High school and to be honest did much better grade wise than he did. some people have book smarts and some people have social smarts. My son has social and cultural smarts. She didn't have any friends in school, so after my son graduated he gave the responsibility to making sure she was ok during school to his brother. A task his brother took on willingly
I remember my son bringing this girlfriend over to our house where she would tell us she loved to be here because we were a functioning family. I learned over the course of time that her father had a severe pornography problem, had sexually abused her, and at one juncture had pointed a gun directly at my son with the intention to pull the trigger.
Just before my son married this girl, 3 years ago, her dad and mom decided to reconcile, then all hell broke loose on how terrible my husband and I are. We went from being the model family to never doing anything right. Her parents became the heros and the gun issue? Her dad was completely justified and would do it again. At every turn her parents, especially her dad find and create opportunities to undermine us and drive a wedge between my son and his parents. It got to the point that if he talked to me without his wife around he would be brow beaten because he didn't remember every syllable of the conversation. I began receiving unbelievable text messages from his phone in words that my son would not use and of course she would slip up and refer to "him" instead of using "me" allowing me to really see that he was not sending me the messages. We have not been allowed to their home and have been adamantly told by his wife that we have to make an appointment to come over. (Funny her parents are over all the time as evidenced by FB posts). We have tried to sneak visits to his job, but unless his wife says it's ok he can't have contact with any member of his family and he will actually make sure he is unavailable for us. Today, on his birthday, my husband and children will surprise him at work anyway and since I am out of town I will mourn. I miss my son so much!
My son hasn't spoken to me in almost a whole year.
I read somewhere that it's difficult for 2 women to love the same man and be friends, this was why mothers and daughter in laws would always be at odds. I have some pretty great daughter in laws, they respect me and love me and we get along great so I didn't understand this statement. This daughter in law, however, I couldn't figure it out, and then, it came to me...
Girls, you are not your husband's mom, we, their mothers get to be that. You have a different role, it's to be his wife. There's this joke out there, but is it really a joke? "having a husband is like having another child" I came to understand through my son being married to this woman that wives and mothers are vying for the same job. I've even heard some mom's tell me that they gave their son to another woman to take care of. I'm sorry, I didn't give my son away. I am still the mom. my husband is still the dad. Our roles change as our children grow up, but our position remains.
Have you ever considered how much your husband does for you? If it were not for my husband I couldn't do near as much as I do, we are team, I help him with what he does and he helps me with what I do. I have a gift of healing and I have created an environment for healing, my husband has a home office and is able to pick up the home slack with the house and the kids so I can be a blessing to other people. He lifts me up when I've had a long day, listens to my struggles, comforts me when my heart is breaking. I am most definitely not his mom and he is most definitely not my dad.
The role of a parent is one that no one can replace. I have had women in my life who have been like another mother to me, but no one takes the place of the one who gave me life, who raised me and taught me about God. The commandment says that we should honor our father and our mother that our days may be long upon the earth which we stand. This is straight from God! I wonder if when women try to take over the mom's position; Does that honor her? I never knew my Mother in Law, but I honor her because she is my husband's mother, she is the grand mother of my children, and in a big way that makes her another mom to myself. Of course I understand that there are those who are unable to have a relationship with a parent, but really and truly does someone else take the place? Or do they give love to you in that space?
My son's wife believes that the scripture of cleaving to your wife and none other means throwing out your mother. I did have to laugh because people mis-interpret scriptures for their own gain. Adultery, by the way, has nothing to do with respecting, honoring and loving your mother. There are however many scriptures that say you need to obey and honor your parents.
Today is my son's birthday, I will miss him and pray for him, and hope that someday he will have the strength to stand up for himself and his family. There are so many out there who tell women to leave a bad husband, but men are supposed to tough it out. I have found that more men than not will put up with everything and will allow themselves to be beaten into the ground rather than leave an abusive relationship. Men need to know that they too are of value! I am the mother of 8 sons and 3 bonus sons. The thing we mothers want most for our sons is a wife who loves them and cherishes them and treats them like a King.
Wives, love your husband, learn to love his family, he is a part of them. By marrying him you become a part of them too. No matter what your cultural background, or religious background, we all come from different backgrounds and when we are married we marry both backgrounds and create something new together, celebrating where each individual comes from.
Some families we take in small doses, some families are easier to be around, but in the end it's how we treat each other and how we show our loved ones how much they are cared for and valued. Time is short and we never know how much time we have to show our family how much we love them.
In 1995 I gave birth to a beautiful Son. His sweet spirit was so gentle and kind even while he had been in the womb. He emitted nothing less than that of the love of the Savior. This is a gift he carried with him to earth and to my home. His birth was pretty rough, 8 hours, and transition was almost more than I could bear, but the thought of having this amazing person in my life and the gift that God was sending to me gave me the strength to keep going. I know many moms who know what I'm talking about, we will do anything, even to give our own lives for the life of our child. After he was born we found out his lung had been popped, he was rushed to the hospital where he spent 2 days under oxygen. He was truly a miracle in every way.
When he was in high school he started dating a girl, not unlike most young men his age he was quite taken with her and the more he learned about how hard of a life she had growing up, the more he was determined to make things better for her. I remember being a little concerned because I wasn't so sure she was genuine, but like most parents we support our children in their decisions the best we can
She was a year behind him in High school and to be honest did much better grade wise than he did. some people have book smarts and some people have social smarts. My son has social and cultural smarts. She didn't have any friends in school, so after my son graduated he gave the responsibility to making sure she was ok during school to his brother. A task his brother took on willingly
I remember my son bringing this girlfriend over to our house where she would tell us she loved to be here because we were a functioning family. I learned over the course of time that her father had a severe pornography problem, had sexually abused her, and at one juncture had pointed a gun directly at my son with the intention to pull the trigger.
Just before my son married this girl, 3 years ago, her dad and mom decided to reconcile, then all hell broke loose on how terrible my husband and I are. We went from being the model family to never doing anything right. Her parents became the heros and the gun issue? Her dad was completely justified and would do it again. At every turn her parents, especially her dad find and create opportunities to undermine us and drive a wedge between my son and his parents. It got to the point that if he talked to me without his wife around he would be brow beaten because he didn't remember every syllable of the conversation. I began receiving unbelievable text messages from his phone in words that my son would not use and of course she would slip up and refer to "him" instead of using "me" allowing me to really see that he was not sending me the messages. We have not been allowed to their home and have been adamantly told by his wife that we have to make an appointment to come over. (Funny her parents are over all the time as evidenced by FB posts). We have tried to sneak visits to his job, but unless his wife says it's ok he can't have contact with any member of his family and he will actually make sure he is unavailable for us. Today, on his birthday, my husband and children will surprise him at work anyway and since I am out of town I will mourn. I miss my son so much!
My son hasn't spoken to me in almost a whole year.
I read somewhere that it's difficult for 2 women to love the same man and be friends, this was why mothers and daughter in laws would always be at odds. I have some pretty great daughter in laws, they respect me and love me and we get along great so I didn't understand this statement. This daughter in law, however, I couldn't figure it out, and then, it came to me...
Girls, you are not your husband's mom, we, their mothers get to be that. You have a different role, it's to be his wife. There's this joke out there, but is it really a joke? "having a husband is like having another child" I came to understand through my son being married to this woman that wives and mothers are vying for the same job. I've even heard some mom's tell me that they gave their son to another woman to take care of. I'm sorry, I didn't give my son away. I am still the mom. my husband is still the dad. Our roles change as our children grow up, but our position remains.
Have you ever considered how much your husband does for you? If it were not for my husband I couldn't do near as much as I do, we are team, I help him with what he does and he helps me with what I do. I have a gift of healing and I have created an environment for healing, my husband has a home office and is able to pick up the home slack with the house and the kids so I can be a blessing to other people. He lifts me up when I've had a long day, listens to my struggles, comforts me when my heart is breaking. I am most definitely not his mom and he is most definitely not my dad.
The role of a parent is one that no one can replace. I have had women in my life who have been like another mother to me, but no one takes the place of the one who gave me life, who raised me and taught me about God. The commandment says that we should honor our father and our mother that our days may be long upon the earth which we stand. This is straight from God! I wonder if when women try to take over the mom's position; Does that honor her? I never knew my Mother in Law, but I honor her because she is my husband's mother, she is the grand mother of my children, and in a big way that makes her another mom to myself. Of course I understand that there are those who are unable to have a relationship with a parent, but really and truly does someone else take the place? Or do they give love to you in that space?
My son's wife believes that the scripture of cleaving to your wife and none other means throwing out your mother. I did have to laugh because people mis-interpret scriptures for their own gain. Adultery, by the way, has nothing to do with respecting, honoring and loving your mother. There are however many scriptures that say you need to obey and honor your parents.
Today is my son's birthday, I will miss him and pray for him, and hope that someday he will have the strength to stand up for himself and his family. There are so many out there who tell women to leave a bad husband, but men are supposed to tough it out. I have found that more men than not will put up with everything and will allow themselves to be beaten into the ground rather than leave an abusive relationship. Men need to know that they too are of value! I am the mother of 8 sons and 3 bonus sons. The thing we mothers want most for our sons is a wife who loves them and cherishes them and treats them like a King.
Wives, love your husband, learn to love his family, he is a part of them. By marrying him you become a part of them too. No matter what your cultural background, or religious background, we all come from different backgrounds and when we are married we marry both backgrounds and create something new together, celebrating where each individual comes from.
Some families we take in small doses, some families are easier to be around, but in the end it's how we treat each other and how we show our loved ones how much they are cared for and valued. Time is short and we never know how much time we have to show our family how much we love them.
Friday, March 2, 2018
What does Grief have to do with church?
I have been puzzling over this question and even was thinking about making a post on social media to get some feedback, except I really didn't want an argument over religious semantics. The question was, why, when some experience grief in their life does going to church become the last place on earth they would ever step foot?
I have seen it, many friends and family members, go along serving, being faithful in their church and something happens. Usually the death of a loved one. Suddenly they need a "safe place" surrounded by "safe people", they go to the movies surrounded by a host of strangers, they go shopping again surrounded by people in their community, they go on road trips, hikes, marathons, out to lunch or dinner, but Church is too hard. In my church we go for like an hour and a half, not too tough to even sit through, then there's the classes where you can participate and ask questions or give opinions. I have noticed that any time these individuals do step a foot in (usually for the rare social event) the whole time they talk about how angry they are at the people in the church and how abandoned they feel.
Mind you they are talking about people who don't go to the local church, usually they are finding fault with the hierarchy and just like to take it out on the locals. I have been saddened by this behavior especially after participating and watching while the locals in the church reached out and did all they knew how to do to bring love and support.
You can probably tell this has been a frustration for me. Who among us hasn't gone through hard things? I began to think back on some tough times in my life and specifically after having various experiences with death. There are many types of death. Divorce, actual death where someone dies. loss of a friendship, a job, you get the picture. For this example and story I will use actual death.
I remember the first time I was introduced to death. My parents took me to a dimly lit place where there was a large box with half the lid open. My dad took me up to this casket and inside were the remains of a cousin. don't really know who he was but he was a relative so we went to pay our respects. I remember my dad showing me and explaining to me that this was all that was left of him, the rest had gone to Heavenly Father. I'm sure he didn't see my look of confusion, but if he did he probably didn't know how he could have explained things any other way. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why Heavenly Father only wanted his legs and left the upper half of his body. oh the innocence of children.
Not very long after this encounter, my best friend died. have to admit that even at 7 years old I had a crush on him and would think how cool it would be if we grew up together and got married. There was an accident. 2 kids in the back of a camper and 1 in the front seat of a truck, someone ran a red light and all 3 children were killed instantly. This was someone I saw just the day before, and everyday at school we played together all the time. My best friend. Suddenly he was gone. I remember how upset and scared my mother was. we weren't allowed in the back of the camper on our truck ever again. We went to the funeral and instead of being taken to a casket to see him we saw 3 caskets on a stage of sorts, we weren't allowed to get close. They said it was so the children wouldn't be traumatized, us being all friends and all. Definite impact on my young life that now I can remember those details.
the next death I experienced in my young formative years was my kindergarten teacher. Once again we went to the funeral home and went through a line. It was interesting that she looked like she was sleeping yet they had put her glasses on. they said it was so the kids would recognize her. she would probably have looked weird without the glasses, but still, something is definitely weird about your kindergarten teacher passing away from a blood clot to the brain.
When I was about 10 my grandfather passed away. For many years I couldn't sing a particular hymn without bursting into tears. My Great Grandmother passed away shortly after I was married, I have since lost all my grandparents, I have lost Aunts and uncles, Great Aunts and Great uncles, friends, people I grew up with and went to church with, even kids I taught as youth. Some who I was there the day they were born. in very recent years, my Father, daughter in law, and my baby.
As I pondered my original question I thought back to my many experiences with death I remembered that sometimes people will say, "you don't know what it's like". This is very true. Every experience I had in my life was completely different and affected me like no other experience did. No one could possibly know exactly what I went through even if they had gone through the experience with me.
I remember when I lost my baby, it was as if the myelin sheath had disappeared from my whole nervous system. It took me a while before I could be in a large gathering without feeling like all the energy in the room was coming at me. I somehow knew though, that if I hid I would never come out of hiding. So I pushed on, and I understood that in order to heal, I had to serve. Being a Massage Therapist by trade my massage room is a place of healing. when you set out to serve others you can't help but be healed yourself.
So I kept contemplating this question, mostly because I've been struggling with the people who quit. I grew up with some of the most amazing old people ever invented. They knew and understood the gospel and loved to share it. They had been through some tough things and still pushed on and were a shining example in my life. So, my frustration has a lot to do with a selfish desire. I had hoped my children would have examples like that in their life. then something strange happened in the world.
They say the millennials are super self-absorbed. I have to submit it isn't just them, it's just their generation of time. We have old people today who have become self-absorbed and just quit. They quit on the next generation. You don't see these people at church sharing their testimony, you don't see them stepping up to teach a Sunday School class, share their wisdom with a new generation of people. They are stuck, wallowing in whatever it is they have decided to be angry about. So I kept asking God, Why won't these people stand up? Why is church the only place they refuse to go? He whispered to me.
They aren't angry at the people, they are angry at God. Great. So it's bad to be angry at God, so you take it out on the people who serve him? This answer was a bit hard to digest at first, but it makes some sense.
Logic says if you are hurting, surround yourself with friends and family who can be of a support to you. If you are grief stricken find comfort in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Find comfort with those who believe the same as yourself. For some reason in this generation, logic is thrown clear out the window.
In my case when I lost my baby I found myself perhaps in the midst of too many too fast (it was a very large crowd). But the thing I remember the most was the amount of love coming from those people, almost overwhelming. I realized I had to keep serving otherwise this feeling of anxiety would never go away, it was not enough to receive the love from others I had to share it.
It's almost like when you get an overload of energy so much that you keep getting shocked, so you go outside, take your shoes and socks off and walk through the grass to give some of that energy to the earth. Service is like that, so many want to be there to bless and serve, but we can get overloaded and we need to give back.
I think it's ok to be angry. Angry at the situation, angry with a person, Yes even angry at God. (short lived of course) it's ok to take your time to heal and grieve. It's even ok to withdraw for a time. What isn't ok is to quit. It isn't ok to take your anger out on people who try to help and bless. It isn't ok to come up with excuses, and find fault, accuse, and make things harder for everyone else who is trying to step up. It isn't ok to be a poor example for the next generation.
Go out and find a tree, have it out, get angry, yell, scream, jump up and down, but at the end of the day, if you keep living in the past, your past will become your present and it will become your future, and in the end you just hurt the ones who love you. Maybe after all of that, it's time to ask the important question, who abandoned who? Remember, your past does not define you, it's how you live your life and how you treat others despite your past that makes you who you are.
I have seen it, many friends and family members, go along serving, being faithful in their church and something happens. Usually the death of a loved one. Suddenly they need a "safe place" surrounded by "safe people", they go to the movies surrounded by a host of strangers, they go shopping again surrounded by people in their community, they go on road trips, hikes, marathons, out to lunch or dinner, but Church is too hard. In my church we go for like an hour and a half, not too tough to even sit through, then there's the classes where you can participate and ask questions or give opinions. I have noticed that any time these individuals do step a foot in (usually for the rare social event) the whole time they talk about how angry they are at the people in the church and how abandoned they feel.
Mind you they are talking about people who don't go to the local church, usually they are finding fault with the hierarchy and just like to take it out on the locals. I have been saddened by this behavior especially after participating and watching while the locals in the church reached out and did all they knew how to do to bring love and support.
You can probably tell this has been a frustration for me. Who among us hasn't gone through hard things? I began to think back on some tough times in my life and specifically after having various experiences with death. There are many types of death. Divorce, actual death where someone dies. loss of a friendship, a job, you get the picture. For this example and story I will use actual death.
I remember the first time I was introduced to death. My parents took me to a dimly lit place where there was a large box with half the lid open. My dad took me up to this casket and inside were the remains of a cousin. don't really know who he was but he was a relative so we went to pay our respects. I remember my dad showing me and explaining to me that this was all that was left of him, the rest had gone to Heavenly Father. I'm sure he didn't see my look of confusion, but if he did he probably didn't know how he could have explained things any other way. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why Heavenly Father only wanted his legs and left the upper half of his body. oh the innocence of children.
Not very long after this encounter, my best friend died. have to admit that even at 7 years old I had a crush on him and would think how cool it would be if we grew up together and got married. There was an accident. 2 kids in the back of a camper and 1 in the front seat of a truck, someone ran a red light and all 3 children were killed instantly. This was someone I saw just the day before, and everyday at school we played together all the time. My best friend. Suddenly he was gone. I remember how upset and scared my mother was. we weren't allowed in the back of the camper on our truck ever again. We went to the funeral and instead of being taken to a casket to see him we saw 3 caskets on a stage of sorts, we weren't allowed to get close. They said it was so the children wouldn't be traumatized, us being all friends and all. Definite impact on my young life that now I can remember those details.
the next death I experienced in my young formative years was my kindergarten teacher. Once again we went to the funeral home and went through a line. It was interesting that she looked like she was sleeping yet they had put her glasses on. they said it was so the kids would recognize her. she would probably have looked weird without the glasses, but still, something is definitely weird about your kindergarten teacher passing away from a blood clot to the brain.
When I was about 10 my grandfather passed away. For many years I couldn't sing a particular hymn without bursting into tears. My Great Grandmother passed away shortly after I was married, I have since lost all my grandparents, I have lost Aunts and uncles, Great Aunts and Great uncles, friends, people I grew up with and went to church with, even kids I taught as youth. Some who I was there the day they were born. in very recent years, my Father, daughter in law, and my baby.
As I pondered my original question I thought back to my many experiences with death I remembered that sometimes people will say, "you don't know what it's like". This is very true. Every experience I had in my life was completely different and affected me like no other experience did. No one could possibly know exactly what I went through even if they had gone through the experience with me.
I remember when I lost my baby, it was as if the myelin sheath had disappeared from my whole nervous system. It took me a while before I could be in a large gathering without feeling like all the energy in the room was coming at me. I somehow knew though, that if I hid I would never come out of hiding. So I pushed on, and I understood that in order to heal, I had to serve. Being a Massage Therapist by trade my massage room is a place of healing. when you set out to serve others you can't help but be healed yourself.
So I kept contemplating this question, mostly because I've been struggling with the people who quit. I grew up with some of the most amazing old people ever invented. They knew and understood the gospel and loved to share it. They had been through some tough things and still pushed on and were a shining example in my life. So, my frustration has a lot to do with a selfish desire. I had hoped my children would have examples like that in their life. then something strange happened in the world.
They say the millennials are super self-absorbed. I have to submit it isn't just them, it's just their generation of time. We have old people today who have become self-absorbed and just quit. They quit on the next generation. You don't see these people at church sharing their testimony, you don't see them stepping up to teach a Sunday School class, share their wisdom with a new generation of people. They are stuck, wallowing in whatever it is they have decided to be angry about. So I kept asking God, Why won't these people stand up? Why is church the only place they refuse to go? He whispered to me.
They aren't angry at the people, they are angry at God. Great. So it's bad to be angry at God, so you take it out on the people who serve him? This answer was a bit hard to digest at first, but it makes some sense.
Logic says if you are hurting, surround yourself with friends and family who can be of a support to you. If you are grief stricken find comfort in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Find comfort with those who believe the same as yourself. For some reason in this generation, logic is thrown clear out the window.
In my case when I lost my baby I found myself perhaps in the midst of too many too fast (it was a very large crowd). But the thing I remember the most was the amount of love coming from those people, almost overwhelming. I realized I had to keep serving otherwise this feeling of anxiety would never go away, it was not enough to receive the love from others I had to share it.
It's almost like when you get an overload of energy so much that you keep getting shocked, so you go outside, take your shoes and socks off and walk through the grass to give some of that energy to the earth. Service is like that, so many want to be there to bless and serve, but we can get overloaded and we need to give back.
I think it's ok to be angry. Angry at the situation, angry with a person, Yes even angry at God. (short lived of course) it's ok to take your time to heal and grieve. It's even ok to withdraw for a time. What isn't ok is to quit. It isn't ok to take your anger out on people who try to help and bless. It isn't ok to come up with excuses, and find fault, accuse, and make things harder for everyone else who is trying to step up. It isn't ok to be a poor example for the next generation.
Go out and find a tree, have it out, get angry, yell, scream, jump up and down, but at the end of the day, if you keep living in the past, your past will become your present and it will become your future, and in the end you just hurt the ones who love you. Maybe after all of that, it's time to ask the important question, who abandoned who? Remember, your past does not define you, it's how you live your life and how you treat others despite your past that makes you who you are.
Friday, February 16, 2018
Are you ok without the spotlight?
The other night I had a very interesting dream that taught me some value. I dreamed that I was attending a large conference. I wasn't unfamiliar with the presenter as I had attended many classes from him. I was however intrigued with the layout.
Normally, in a large conference you find those who are interested in the class are up front and taking notes. the ones in the back usually are just there for the treats lol. This conference was a bit different.
In the front were crowds of people, good people but they all wanted one thing. Spotlight. They wanted the attention from the presenter and they most of all wanted to be on stage. As you got to about the middle of the room there were still a lot of people these people almost seemed angry at the content. (normally what you would expect from the back of the room). Then about the last 3 rows was a different crowd. they were there to just be there learn what they could not expecting glory or grandeur, listening to be taught. Of course the sound system made it easier because otherwise they couldn't have heard through all the rest of the chaos.
The Presenter had a son. He had been prepping this son to become a presenter just like himself. He had taught him and the son had become quite proficient at presenting ideas and material to the classes he taught. He was a good son and ready to go out into the world so for his last conference under the tutelage of his father he had on last assignment. he was to sit in the back of the room, never to be called on, never to be on stage, just to sit among those in the back of the room.
The son needless to say was disappointed. this was his farewell conference and he was not going to have the opportunity to speak, tell the audience what he was doing or where he was going. He was going to be lost in a sea of people without anyone really knowing who he was.
He thought about leaving, because he figured it was pointless to stay and be at the back of the room in the middle of a bunch of nobodies. He looked at the chair his father had assigned and pondered until he decided to trust the process of one last lesson whatever it was he had no idea, but he decided to make the best of the situation and tough it out.
He sat there in the assigned chair on the front of the last section of chairs, there were only 3 rows behind him and he was in the middle of the row. For probably the first few hours of the conference he was mainly annoyed, still not understanding why he was in this situation. No one even acknowledged him for being the son of the presenter.
Then it was time for interacting with those around him. Being the obedient son he was and realizing he had an opportunity to serve, he engaged with the people around him. He found that they were kind, generous, wanting to learn and grow in every way they could. He found out that he had things in common with these people, and as he moved around the room during the activities, he found more people he could relate with on a one on one basis. by the end of the conference he had formed relationships with several people and even exchanged phone numbers and found them on social media accounts.
At the end of the conference he looked around and realized the purposed for where his father had placed him. By being at the back of the room he had a full view of all that went on in front and all that went on around and he could observe the nature of people without having to be on stage. By being in the audience he was able to serve, by being out of the spotlight, his fellow classmates could open up more and share their experiences without fear. He found that in this conference were so many different types of people and each had a value. He saw up close and personal the struggles that everyday people were going through and thoughts raced through his mind of how best he could be of service. It was probably the first conference he served at that he was not so anxious to leave.
There are people who just want the spotlight. There are people who need to be heard. There are people who just want to serve, There are people who want to be taught in whatever capacity they can. And there are people who know and understand the difference.
This dream reminded me of my Savior, he didn't seek for the spotlight, he just served. He was put in the spotlight so to speak because those he served spread his word. The spotlight for our Savior was never the goal. The goal was to serve and bless and authentically care for his fellowman while bringing them back to God. I suppose the question comes back to us. What is our goal and what is our purpose when we go out to interact or to teach our fellow man?
Normally, in a large conference you find those who are interested in the class are up front and taking notes. the ones in the back usually are just there for the treats lol. This conference was a bit different.
In the front were crowds of people, good people but they all wanted one thing. Spotlight. They wanted the attention from the presenter and they most of all wanted to be on stage. As you got to about the middle of the room there were still a lot of people these people almost seemed angry at the content. (normally what you would expect from the back of the room). Then about the last 3 rows was a different crowd. they were there to just be there learn what they could not expecting glory or grandeur, listening to be taught. Of course the sound system made it easier because otherwise they couldn't have heard through all the rest of the chaos.
The Presenter had a son. He had been prepping this son to become a presenter just like himself. He had taught him and the son had become quite proficient at presenting ideas and material to the classes he taught. He was a good son and ready to go out into the world so for his last conference under the tutelage of his father he had on last assignment. he was to sit in the back of the room, never to be called on, never to be on stage, just to sit among those in the back of the room.
The son needless to say was disappointed. this was his farewell conference and he was not going to have the opportunity to speak, tell the audience what he was doing or where he was going. He was going to be lost in a sea of people without anyone really knowing who he was.
He thought about leaving, because he figured it was pointless to stay and be at the back of the room in the middle of a bunch of nobodies. He looked at the chair his father had assigned and pondered until he decided to trust the process of one last lesson whatever it was he had no idea, but he decided to make the best of the situation and tough it out.
He sat there in the assigned chair on the front of the last section of chairs, there were only 3 rows behind him and he was in the middle of the row. For probably the first few hours of the conference he was mainly annoyed, still not understanding why he was in this situation. No one even acknowledged him for being the son of the presenter.
Then it was time for interacting with those around him. Being the obedient son he was and realizing he had an opportunity to serve, he engaged with the people around him. He found that they were kind, generous, wanting to learn and grow in every way they could. He found out that he had things in common with these people, and as he moved around the room during the activities, he found more people he could relate with on a one on one basis. by the end of the conference he had formed relationships with several people and even exchanged phone numbers and found them on social media accounts.
At the end of the conference he looked around and realized the purposed for where his father had placed him. By being at the back of the room he had a full view of all that went on in front and all that went on around and he could observe the nature of people without having to be on stage. By being in the audience he was able to serve, by being out of the spotlight, his fellow classmates could open up more and share their experiences without fear. He found that in this conference were so many different types of people and each had a value. He saw up close and personal the struggles that everyday people were going through and thoughts raced through his mind of how best he could be of service. It was probably the first conference he served at that he was not so anxious to leave.
There are people who just want the spotlight. There are people who need to be heard. There are people who just want to serve, There are people who want to be taught in whatever capacity they can. And there are people who know and understand the difference.
This dream reminded me of my Savior, he didn't seek for the spotlight, he just served. He was put in the spotlight so to speak because those he served spread his word. The spotlight for our Savior was never the goal. The goal was to serve and bless and authentically care for his fellowman while bringing them back to God. I suppose the question comes back to us. What is our goal and what is our purpose when we go out to interact or to teach our fellow man?
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