1 year

I couldn't let the day go by without pausing to reflect on how blessed I am. 1 year ago today I experienced a loss I never could have imagined I would have to go through. I would be lying if I said it had been an easy journey. It has been a very long year! with ups and downs and a lot of downs. Questions that still need to be resolved and missing a tiny tike I never knew. I think how interesting it is that I went to a Doctor last year and he didn't even bother to attempt to find out what was going on with me. A whole year later I feel like I'm starting to get some answers. I went back to my own doctor who did extensive tests on my blood and found my thyroid problem. I never knew that low thyroid could cause a mis-carriage. I also didn't know how many areas of the body it affects.

So today, I'm grateful for a little boy who chose me to be his mom, who chose to watch over my family from heaven, It's a wonderful blessing to know that I have a beautiful angel watching out for me.

I have been really thinking a lot about how much more important it is that I keep the faith that I have, that I live my life to make that amazing person proud of me, I want to qualify to be where he is, so that when all is said and done, maybe he can say he's glad he chose me to be his mom.

 To my beautiful son Helaman: Thank you for coming into my life!

Thyroid Fun

My dear sweet husband has been working on me for a while to go to a doctor, with my chronic fatigue, heavy breathing, constant clog in my throat and worst of all; my weight will not go down, only up! 

So I gave in and went to the doctor.  The results came back within a couple of days and on March 13th I got a call from the Dr. office. my thyroid is at a 21. They want to see it between 24-39 so it's low enough that they want to treat it. The other thing was that my cholesterol was a smidge high, which could be related to my low thyroid. For that I just need to watch what I eat and make sure to exercise. 

I went to the pharmacy and picked up the drug... oh no I thought now I'm a druggie ;) Really, I'm terrible at taking pills on a regular basis, the bottle says, don't miss a dose, and take it 4 hours away from anything else. Oh joy! when on earth should I take this pill? I have herbals I take during the day, and usually first thing in the morning. So a friend says get up and take it at 2am.  LOL I laughed, I can really see that, 2am as I'm stumbling to the bathroom, oh ya! I gotta take a pill! probably not very realistic. So I started taking them as early in the morning as I could, but then the herbals didn't get taken. so now I take them before bed and it's working better.

So, since I've been on this pill I have noticed a few things. After about a week I noticed my upper abdomen wasn't as bloated as it has been. In fact it feels a bit flatter. (we have a ways to go for sure). The second thing I noticed was that after about a week and a half my depression levels decreased.  I was curious so I looked it up, (thank heaven for search engines right?) apparently depression is a sign of low thyroid. 

For the past couple of years I have felt like I was at the bottom of a pit all the time. I would have a few days a month where I felt like I was kicking it and then I would sink again. Each time a client would cancel their appointment it would almost kill me off. Not enough clientele in the week? depression to the max! I even considered trying out a happy pill. It has been so wonderful not feeling like the end of the world is upon me every time I hit a glitch. the first time I noticed it was about a week ago when a client cancelled, normally I would have sunk to terrible depths for the rest of the day, wondering why I wasn't good enough. I noticed that it did affect me and then I was able to tell myself that it was ok and I had a great date night with my hubby. I rebounded so much more quickly and the weekend went great! I have to say I'm not all the way there yet, but this was such a huge thing for me that even beyond being overweight, this was something I didn't know what to do about.

Speaking of weight I have lost a few pounds. 5 to be exact, hoping for much more as we go along.

So far the pill seems to be doing small things that help my overall outlook and ability to keep going. so I'm excited to see what happens in the next 2 weeks. should be interesting.

REM and Rest

Have you ever been so tired that you could sleep for an entire day? Believe it or not that happened to me recently. I came to the realization that I had been going and going for too long without proper rest. and having a toddler still in my bed was not helping.

I could feel my muscles literally coming to a stand-still as if to say to me, no we are not moving another inch until we have a proper rest. The only way I could describe what was happening was like the tin man, I felt like I needed an oil can to get me moving again, and to go along with it, I was hoarding emotions, health issues, and all the fun things you can't see. I can admit here that this past 2 months has been very difficult on my emotional state. To be completely honest between the mood swings, lack of sleep, irritations, depression and on the verge of a breakdown, I stepped on the scale one day and found I had gained 10 lbs!!! not like me for sure! So is it possible to hoard all the things you can't see?

I was, and it caught up with me and I was so grateful for a Sunday where I was not required to do anything. I slept almost the whole day, Ok so it was off and on throughout the day, but as I was relating the situation to my son, he said,"mom, your body needs it, remember you keep telling me that" ok, use my words to remind me that my body needs rest as well.

So here I am on the internet with a message, Don't let this happen to you. If it does, take it for what it is and rest! It's a principle I'm calling 10% for your health.

We do all kinds of things in life, we spend our time eating out, being of service, working hard, taking care of the kids, making sure everything runs smoothly all the time. Sometimes we are not allowed to have a breakdown because we are required to be strong for everyone else.  The reality is that it catches up.

I had a conversation with a dear friend recently and we talked about how important it is to take the time, money etc.. and prioritize ourselves a bit. I'm not talking about becoming self-centered, I'm talking about becoming aware that our - self, needs to be taken care of. We can do the basics like food and shelter, but when it comes to loving our self and making sure we are healthy we often fall short.

I'm super good at telling my kids, husband, friends... how they need to take care of themselves, and I truly mean it, I want the best for them, but I didn't think I needed it myself, I believed it was my duty to be unbreakable. I may have been afraid to show weakness, but when it puts you down in bed for a whole day and you get exhausted from battling the depression, it's time to do something different.

So I took my own advice, I went to a massage therapist, I bought myself some make-up, and then I went to the doctor. looks like my thyroid is a little low, so it's time for this mom to come alive and take care of myself, it's going to be a new challenge as I find a way to begin, but for now, I'm going to go ride my bike :)

Sometimes a movie just gets the concept

I went to see Labor Day this past weekend, and although the reviews said the woman had Stockholm syndrome, it was interesting to see how deeply the movie went. It's not often I need to explain a movie to my husband. This movie went into some very deep places that maybe only those women who have been there can truly understand.

Not many people understand why I have anxiety. Most would believe it's due to being diagnosed with Epstein Barr several years ago, as it tends to damage the nervous system.  The reality is that I have learned how to manage the auto immune disorder so that it doesn't control me.

I've had many experiences in my life and as I get older I realize the physical effects of those experiences. It's not huge things, just little ones, and I realize that overcoming them is a big deal.

Next month I will be coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my baby deciding to stay with God. Over this past year, I won't lie, I've had break downs, discouragement, and outright depression. Some days it's a struggle just to get through the day. I feel grateful for my job where I can concentrate on others and it does help. I still struggle with the anxiety, especially when I get around people I don't see very often and large groups of people.  It's then that I look with panic to find out where my big strong sons are to lean on. my children and my husband are a strength they cannot even begin to understand.

I found in this movie a real representation of something I struggle with everyday. The difference was that this woman allowed it to consume her. There is no going back in our experiences, but we can choose how to live having had the experience.

After I had experienced my loss something told me that I needed to be around people no matter how hard it was. I have to say that I am a survivor! There are many types of survivors, The doctors say my life was in danger just giving birth to that precious little boy, but I never believed I was in danger that way. Little did I know what kind of danger I would later be in. The danger of being left in survival mode.

The woman in the movie just existed from day to day, and she had so completely shut herself off from the world as a whole that she no longer had the ability to interact with it. When I have strangers come to visit, I load up on B12 vitamins and dark chocolate to make sure I can get through the experience. Large groups of people almost send me into a complete shut-down, and it took me a while to figure out what was really happening.

You see, an experience such as one that so many women have had leaves us raw and super sensitive everyone's energy levels around us. Some children are born with this super sense and we can't quite figure out why when someone with a bulldozer personality approaches, the child spins out of control. Since I have become this survivor, I understand with such a depth why that happens. A child cannot comprehend what is happening and doesn't know how to react to such situations. But as an adult, I can see a little further and once I realized that being in a large group means that you are picking up on large amounts of varying energies it helped me to know that I have be extra careful and pick my place in the room where maybe I can have a quick escape if I need air.

It is possible to overcome, but to those who haven't experienced it first hand it may be difficult to explain. "Well, my dear that tragedy happened a year ago, aren't you OK yet?" Being OK is a relative term and we go on and we pretend and we even can smile, laugh and have fun. Does it mean that the pain is completely gone or the side effects won't be there anymore? The reality is that when you go through something you are changed forever. The first time you kiss your true love, the first time you look at your beautiful new baby, The first time your child calls you mommy. There are defining moments we all go through. My c-section delivery was another defining moment, but nothing can prepare you for the lasting effects of losing a baby, and most people can never fully understand how far reaching those effects can be. Every once in a while I notice something else.

It's amazing that I could totally relate to the woman in this movie although the anxiety hasn't consumed me, I could understand what brought her to that point, because it's something I work to overcome every day of my life. It's my new normal. I can be honest and say that there are many days when shutting down like the woman in the movie is extremely tempting, but I have children who need me, I have responsibilities and people who rely on me for various things.

This life is all about overcoming and reaching up to be the person we came to this earth to be. It is in these moments when we choose to be a survivor and a strength rather than a burden and an anchor to our loved ones that we define ourselves and what we can accomplish

Taking Care of Yourself

My Chiropractor told me that I needed to remember that not too long ago I gave my baby back to God and that I needed to give myself time to heal.

Most people have already forgotten the traumatic experience my husband and I have been through. It's not one of those get over it things, it's a day to day journey. I finally gave into the fact that if I need a nap during the day, I need to allow myself to do that without the guilt.

I have come to a realization that if I was nursing a baby right now, I would be stuck in a chair for the next 9 months. Why on earth do I think it's ok to push my limits because I don't have that baby? It's not ok, I have to take care of myself for the rest of my children. So I get home from work and I may not be able to get up all the energy I need to clean the house top to bottom, I may only get the dishes done, if I do that I've gotten somewhere.

I decided I needed a massage. After massaging people everyday so much gets built up in my shoulders, back hips, everywhere, so I realized I needed a massage. I went to the local massage school and was surprised when the girl got to my shoulders, I started to have leakage in my eyes. The amount of emotion coming out of my shoulders was incredible and shocking.

You go along thinking you're ok, thinking that by taking the vitamins is helping. Helping other people get well is helping you, taking care of the day to day things is moving ahead. Then bam! out of nowhere you have to face the fact that it's ok to cry, it's ok to take care of yourself and all of these other things are noble and good and they do in fact help, but reaching up to God and saying, I need more is ok too.  Then God lets you know in his own way, that taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of the rest of the world.

A New Day

We celebrated the Independence of our Nation recently. I know that there's no way to imagine how much our forefathers and all those who fought, lived, died, suffered, went through. I sometimes try to imagine how they must have felt when it was all over. The words in our National Anthem bring tears to my eyes as the writer describes his feelings. There were bombs bursting in the air, probably clouds of smoke so thick you can't see through any of it. But when it all clears the first thing he sees is the American Flag flying high and proud. It was all worth it. and while we grieve our losses, we've created something new something better for ourselves and our children.

I don't think I can say I've created something better through giving my child back to God. When the clouds of smoke begin to lift and you begin to awaken, the first thing I could see was my children who are still here, still on this earth. My children who need me. I realized that I could no longer just be dragged around by them, going through the motions, I had to really be there for them. They are my ensign. They are simply amazing human beings and I get the privilege of hanging out with them.

Have I changed? undoubtedly. I am the same person, only new. I have a patient who tells me I sound like I'm doing better, my demeanor has improved. I think I'm doing better, but at the same time everyday is still a struggle. I never know how I'm going to feel when I wake up, what the next day is going to bring. I struggle to keep the depression away, sometimes I am freed for a moment and then I go back to the struggle. My dear friend tells me that I've become a person who can be there for someone else. Perhaps my ability to have compassion has deepened. Hard to say when it's apparent that the pain will never truly leave, everything I am, everything I do I have to qualify to be a better person for that little one who never came, and those that did.

Healing is definitely a process, and much to process, through my mission of healing others I know that it helps to heal me. I am so grateful that those I assist, care about me as well and we, in a way share something together that cannot be replaced.

I am a new person in that I will never see the world the same as I did before. I may laugh and sing, cry and worry, but the realization now is that the world I have to create is for my living children those angels who will bring their children into this world, what will my legacy to them be? A new day is about starting over, starting fresh, willing to take on new challenges and changes. To be awakened is to accept each day as a gift to those I serve, whether it's my patients or my children, or my husband.

Each Day Is a New Day

Forgiveness

When you experience a loss, it's as if you have been away. Lost in a fog, not sure if recovery is even possible. You know you have a good support group, and the ones who hurt you are added to a list of needing forgiveness. For the most part, forgiving seems to be something to put on the shelf and hope it comes.

The problem is that not only do I now have a list of people I have to forgive, but I have to include myself in that list. It's amazing how many small things you can find to blame yourself for. Did I eat the right things? Should I have exercised more? What things should I have been aware of? What did I miss?

No matter how many people tell you that nothing that happened was your fault, you still try to find reasons. One day my husband was comforting me during a meltdown on myself, and he stopped, he turned to me and said, "you have to quit blaming yourself". For some reason his words went deep into my soul, and I knew he was right. It was time to quit blaming myself. I don't have to worry about this child, he's safe. What can I do for him?

I set to making a place just for him. The first thing we did was plant a grapevine. Then we put up a little white picket fence to create a memorial. I wanted something unique but beautiful to be a part of the memorial. Being a massage therapist I use stones quite a bit. As a therapist I understand that stones have purposes, and a energy that is uniquely theirs. I thought what better thing to use as a memorial for my precious son than a stone taken from a local creek. So I loaded the kids in the car and we went rock hunting. I somehow had a picture in my head of the stone I wanted, nothing too small, flat on both sides if possible, but I didn't want a headstone looking rock.

Imagine my surprise when only after 10 min of looking the right stone shouted out "here I am!" Not literally of course, but when I saw it, I pointed and said to my son, that's it.

My strong 15 year old took the stone and as heavy as it was carried it up the embankment of the creek to the car. I called a friend of mine and within a week we had a beautifully painted stone with his birthday, name and a couple of designs.

It was a rare time when I was grateful for the tremendous wind we have in our city. The stone dried within only a couple of days and I was able to spray it with a waterproof coating.

Doing these small things for my son, has been so healing for me, and helped me in my forgiveness of myself. I know he doesn't need these gestures, but I hope he can look from heaven and see something beautiful.  Eventually we'll have an arbor to let the grapevines grow across. We'll do it a little at a time and I know it will help to keep his memory close to my heart.

As soon as I realized I could not blame myself anymore, It was a turning point in my ability to go on. I now can look at his pictures without falling apart. It's as if letting go of the blame is helping me to be closer to him and love the pictures of his tiny person and see how beautiful he truly is. The coolest thing was when I was working on a patient, she asked me how I was doing, I answered that I felt that I was healing and accepting things. She then told me how dramatic my energy had changed in just a short time and that my voice sounded like I was healing. What a wonderful thing to have confirmation that we're moving ahead.

As for the others on my list? Baby steps. Forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to forget. It doesn't mean that I have to say it's ok, or trust, it means that I have to show unconditional love for those who have hurt me. It's a process and it won't happen overnight or on anyone's timeline, but it's ok and I can cut myself some slack and take it a little bit at a time.