All the difference

Whenever I see this picture I get quite emotional, I have struggled for so many years while I watched the scale go up and I got to the point where I had given up, well, between the cleansing inside and out and Plexus I have "given up" 15 lbs!!! :) and counting! the journey continues to be amazing and I'm so grateful for the continuous support I receive to reach my goals. This year when we have our family pictures I'm actually ok with being a part, my clothes are fitting better and my pants are now too big! I am so blessed that I have been able to find tools that are making such a big difference. Years ago back in High School, we were taught a song which turned out to be a poem by Robert Frost, Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both....I took the road less traveled by and it has made all the difference. This journey, taking a door that opened, a leap of faith, experiencing the freeing power of forgiveness, finishing the conversation, and utilizing tools put in my path because of one profound decision, Yes it's on my vision board. These things taking a path that was unknown has made all the difference

Finding the real me

About a month and a half ago I was doing some serious contemplating. It's been a few months since I was diagnosed with a thyroid issue, and while I didn't expect sudden large amounts of weight loss, I kinda expected something! But as usual with everything I do the weight just stays put, so in my contemplating I had an epiphany I realized that it wasn't necessarily about the way I eat, exercise, or any of the standard problems, I needed to go on a spiritual cleanse, I needed to create space within my self and free myself of the weight I was carrying.

The thing is that I was weighing more than I did when I was pregnant almost 2 years ago. I think when I delivered my tiny infant son  (18 weeks gestational) I actually gained weight. I've been through a lot emotionally over the last year and a half, but I came to this point where I realized something else had to happen or my health would just continue to decline.

It was a beautiful clear Saturday morning and I made a decision. I thought what would Kirk Duncan do? and I realized, he would find a way to create space. So, using the tools I had been taught through the courses he teaches, I wrote my I am statement/affirmation and I got in the car. It's about a 45 min drive from my house to Duck Creek UT and I decided it was the perfect time to test it out. I said my affirmation out loud and at the stop light used my arms to reinforce the idea. then I picked a person I needed to have a "conversation" with and let it go. I found myself  becoming happier and happier, I had more energy when I arrived at Duck Creek than I had imagined. (I was super tired when my journey began), and the first change I noticed was that my upper abdomen was flatter

I did my scheduled massages and left for home, where once again I said my affirmations, I figured that I couldn't do it too much. When I arrived home I immediately stepped on the scale. WOW! 2lbs! I knew I was on the right track and what happened next is all part of this phenomenal journey.

Each day I would wake up and I would say out loud my affirmation; I went to work the first day back and my first client says wow you are so happy! your energy is amazing! I shared with her my ah ah moment and got amazing support. A few days later I tell my husband how I'm a little discouraged I haven't made more progress and he tells me say your affirmation more! love being surrounded by such support!

When you make a decision to change something in a dramatic way, it's amazing the doors that open. As a Massage Therapist I use many different products to help others feel better, so I'm always on the look out for something new and that really works. I would tell anyone who makes a decision like this to look for open doors and take them! Don't over think the opportunities that become available in your life, if it feels right go with that first feeling and jump, remember that these things are coming into your life at the very moment you need them.

 In June, I finally had the opportunity to attend a CE class called Lypossage. (learn more about it on my webpage),  I was very intrigued with the idea of being able to contour the body and reduce cellulite and inches! As I worked on the ladies in the class I was immediately amazed at how quickly their body was transformed and I even posted my own before and after pictures of the face on my website. (Something I don't normally do). Understanding the concept of Lypossage opened my eyes to other things I needed to be about doing. Being determined I bought me a water bottle and got some Sustain from Melaluca. Hydration is number one when you want to cleanse and create space.

Exercise: Well if you count chasing kids and massage That's my exercise, if I'm lucky I get an opportunity to go on a walk here and there, and of course my weekly jaunts to get the mountain air are fabulous. Between my affirmations, finishing the conversations and my 3 days of Lypossage, I had lost 5 lbs. within one month of course I'm not on a crash diet so not looking for huge numbers.

At the end of July I had an opportunity to go to another massage convention where I took another type of skinny massage class and an Aqua Massage class. I spent 2 amazing days in the water creating space and cleansing my spirit and my body. Yup I was cleansing all over the place!

I had walked through several vendors at the convention and saw a couple of pill companies and decided I didn't really want to stop, I use DeeCee Labs and am very happy with the products, Then this lady caught my attention, I told her I was looking to see what booths I had missed and she asked if I had seen theirs. Wasn't really in the market for pills and potions but didn't want to be rude so I listened. She handed me a small cup with some pink liquid in it and told me it was for weight loss, I worry about  weight loss products because they all seem to have some type of caffeine in it and I'm super sensitive. So I had to read the ingredients first. I was amazed that the ingredients met my approval so I went ahead and drank the liquid, it tasted like kool aid.

Tastes good and meets my ingredient approval, difficult combination to find. So I took the open door and became an ambassador, (Plexus) I'm finding so many wonderful things through the open doors I have walked through, and I'm excited to say that beginning with my decision 1 1/12 months ago the scale says I have let go of 10 lbs  that was keeping me weighed down. My health is is on the improve, I don't have people stop and ask me if I'm ok because of my severe heavy  breathing,  and the road ahead is great!

Cleansing is a continuous journey and it's one that needs to be taken on a daily basis, and then recognize the doors that are being opened for you in your personal journey and make sure you don't delay. 

1 year

I couldn't let the day go by without pausing to reflect on how blessed I am. 1 year ago today I experienced a loss I never could have imagined I would have to go through. I would be lying if I said it had been an easy journey. It has been a very long year! with ups and downs and a lot of downs. Questions that still need to be resolved and missing a tiny tike I never knew. I think how interesting it is that I went to a Doctor last year and he didn't even bother to attempt to find out what was going on with me. A whole year later I feel like I'm starting to get some answers. I went back to my own doctor who did extensive tests on my blood and found my thyroid problem. I never knew that low thyroid could cause a mis-carriage. I also didn't know how many areas of the body it affects.

So today, I'm grateful for a little boy who chose me to be his mom, who chose to watch over my family from heaven, It's a wonderful blessing to know that I have a beautiful angel watching out for me.

I have been really thinking a lot about how much more important it is that I keep the faith that I have, that I live my life to make that amazing person proud of me, I want to qualify to be where he is, so that when all is said and done, maybe he can say he's glad he chose me to be his mom.

 To my beautiful son Helaman: Thank you for coming into my life!

Thyroid Fun

My dear sweet husband has been working on me for a while to go to a doctor, with my chronic fatigue, heavy breathing, constant clog in my throat and worst of all; my weight will not go down, only up! 

So I gave in and went to the doctor.  The results came back within a couple of days and on March 13th I got a call from the Dr. office. my thyroid is at a 21. They want to see it between 24-39 so it's low enough that they want to treat it. The other thing was that my cholesterol was a smidge high, which could be related to my low thyroid. For that I just need to watch what I eat and make sure to exercise. 

I went to the pharmacy and picked up the drug... oh no I thought now I'm a druggie ;) Really, I'm terrible at taking pills on a regular basis, the bottle says, don't miss a dose, and take it 4 hours away from anything else. Oh joy! when on earth should I take this pill? I have herbals I take during the day, and usually first thing in the morning. So a friend says get up and take it at 2am.  LOL I laughed, I can really see that, 2am as I'm stumbling to the bathroom, oh ya! I gotta take a pill! probably not very realistic. So I started taking them as early in the morning as I could, but then the herbals didn't get taken. so now I take them before bed and it's working better.

So, since I've been on this pill I have noticed a few things. After about a week I noticed my upper abdomen wasn't as bloated as it has been. In fact it feels a bit flatter. (we have a ways to go for sure). The second thing I noticed was that after about a week and a half my depression levels decreased.  I was curious so I looked it up, (thank heaven for search engines right?) apparently depression is a sign of low thyroid. 

For the past couple of years I have felt like I was at the bottom of a pit all the time. I would have a few days a month where I felt like I was kicking it and then I would sink again. Each time a client would cancel their appointment it would almost kill me off. Not enough clientele in the week? depression to the max! I even considered trying out a happy pill. It has been so wonderful not feeling like the end of the world is upon me every time I hit a glitch. the first time I noticed it was about a week ago when a client cancelled, normally I would have sunk to terrible depths for the rest of the day, wondering why I wasn't good enough. I noticed that it did affect me and then I was able to tell myself that it was ok and I had a great date night with my hubby. I rebounded so much more quickly and the weekend went great! I have to say I'm not all the way there yet, but this was such a huge thing for me that even beyond being overweight, this was something I didn't know what to do about.

Speaking of weight I have lost a few pounds. 5 to be exact, hoping for much more as we go along.

So far the pill seems to be doing small things that help my overall outlook and ability to keep going. so I'm excited to see what happens in the next 2 weeks. should be interesting.

REM and Rest

Have you ever been so tired that you could sleep for an entire day? Believe it or not that happened to me recently. I came to the realization that I had been going and going for too long without proper rest. and having a toddler still in my bed was not helping.

I could feel my muscles literally coming to a stand-still as if to say to me, no we are not moving another inch until we have a proper rest. The only way I could describe what was happening was like the tin man, I felt like I needed an oil can to get me moving again, and to go along with it, I was hoarding emotions, health issues, and all the fun things you can't see. I can admit here that this past 2 months has been very difficult on my emotional state. To be completely honest between the mood swings, lack of sleep, irritations, depression and on the verge of a breakdown, I stepped on the scale one day and found I had gained 10 lbs!!! not like me for sure! So is it possible to hoard all the things you can't see?

I was, and it caught up with me and I was so grateful for a Sunday where I was not required to do anything. I slept almost the whole day, Ok so it was off and on throughout the day, but as I was relating the situation to my son, he said,"mom, your body needs it, remember you keep telling me that" ok, use my words to remind me that my body needs rest as well.

So here I am on the internet with a message, Don't let this happen to you. If it does, take it for what it is and rest! It's a principle I'm calling 10% for your health.

We do all kinds of things in life, we spend our time eating out, being of service, working hard, taking care of the kids, making sure everything runs smoothly all the time. Sometimes we are not allowed to have a breakdown because we are required to be strong for everyone else.  The reality is that it catches up.

I had a conversation with a dear friend recently and we talked about how important it is to take the time, money etc.. and prioritize ourselves a bit. I'm not talking about becoming self-centered, I'm talking about becoming aware that our - self, needs to be taken care of. We can do the basics like food and shelter, but when it comes to loving our self and making sure we are healthy we often fall short.

I'm super good at telling my kids, husband, friends... how they need to take care of themselves, and I truly mean it, I want the best for them, but I didn't think I needed it myself, I believed it was my duty to be unbreakable. I may have been afraid to show weakness, but when it puts you down in bed for a whole day and you get exhausted from battling the depression, it's time to do something different.

So I took my own advice, I went to a massage therapist, I bought myself some make-up, and then I went to the doctor. looks like my thyroid is a little low, so it's time for this mom to come alive and take care of myself, it's going to be a new challenge as I find a way to begin, but for now, I'm going to go ride my bike :)

Sometimes a movie just gets the concept

I went to see Labor Day this past weekend, and although the reviews said the woman had Stockholm syndrome, it was interesting to see how deeply the movie went. It's not often I need to explain a movie to my husband. This movie went into some very deep places that maybe only those women who have been there can truly understand.

Not many people understand why I have anxiety. Most would believe it's due to being diagnosed with Epstein Barr several years ago, as it tends to damage the nervous system.  The reality is that I have learned how to manage the auto immune disorder so that it doesn't control me.

I've had many experiences in my life and as I get older I realize the physical effects of those experiences. It's not huge things, just little ones, and I realize that overcoming them is a big deal.

Next month I will be coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my baby deciding to stay with God. Over this past year, I won't lie, I've had break downs, discouragement, and outright depression. Some days it's a struggle just to get through the day. I feel grateful for my job where I can concentrate on others and it does help. I still struggle with the anxiety, especially when I get around people I don't see very often and large groups of people.  It's then that I look with panic to find out where my big strong sons are to lean on. my children and my husband are a strength they cannot even begin to understand.

I found in this movie a real representation of something I struggle with everyday. The difference was that this woman allowed it to consume her. There is no going back in our experiences, but we can choose how to live having had the experience.

After I had experienced my loss something told me that I needed to be around people no matter how hard it was. I have to say that I am a survivor! There are many types of survivors, The doctors say my life was in danger just giving birth to that precious little boy, but I never believed I was in danger that way. Little did I know what kind of danger I would later be in. The danger of being left in survival mode.

The woman in the movie just existed from day to day, and she had so completely shut herself off from the world as a whole that she no longer had the ability to interact with it. When I have strangers come to visit, I load up on B12 vitamins and dark chocolate to make sure I can get through the experience. Large groups of people almost send me into a complete shut-down, and it took me a while to figure out what was really happening.

You see, an experience such as one that so many women have had leaves us raw and super sensitive everyone's energy levels around us. Some children are born with this super sense and we can't quite figure out why when someone with a bulldozer personality approaches, the child spins out of control. Since I have become this survivor, I understand with such a depth why that happens. A child cannot comprehend what is happening and doesn't know how to react to such situations. But as an adult, I can see a little further and once I realized that being in a large group means that you are picking up on large amounts of varying energies it helped me to know that I have be extra careful and pick my place in the room where maybe I can have a quick escape if I need air.

It is possible to overcome, but to those who haven't experienced it first hand it may be difficult to explain. "Well, my dear that tragedy happened a year ago, aren't you OK yet?" Being OK is a relative term and we go on and we pretend and we even can smile, laugh and have fun. Does it mean that the pain is completely gone or the side effects won't be there anymore? The reality is that when you go through something you are changed forever. The first time you kiss your true love, the first time you look at your beautiful new baby, The first time your child calls you mommy. There are defining moments we all go through. My c-section delivery was another defining moment, but nothing can prepare you for the lasting effects of losing a baby, and most people can never fully understand how far reaching those effects can be. Every once in a while I notice something else.

It's amazing that I could totally relate to the woman in this movie although the anxiety hasn't consumed me, I could understand what brought her to that point, because it's something I work to overcome every day of my life. It's my new normal. I can be honest and say that there are many days when shutting down like the woman in the movie is extremely tempting, but I have children who need me, I have responsibilities and people who rely on me for various things.

This life is all about overcoming and reaching up to be the person we came to this earth to be. It is in these moments when we choose to be a survivor and a strength rather than a burden and an anchor to our loved ones that we define ourselves and what we can accomplish