I have been puzzling over this question and even was thinking about making a post on social media to get some feedback, except I really didn't want an argument over religious semantics. The question was, why, when some experience grief in their life does going to church become the last place on earth they would ever step foot?
I have seen it, many friends and family members, go along serving, being faithful in their church and something happens. Usually the death of a loved one. Suddenly they need a "safe place" surrounded by "safe people", they go to the movies surrounded by a host of strangers, they go shopping again surrounded by people in their community, they go on road trips, hikes, marathons, out to lunch or dinner, but Church is too hard. In my church we go for like an hour and a half, not too tough to even sit through, then there's the classes where you can participate and ask questions or give opinions. I have noticed that any time these individuals do step a foot in (usually for the rare social event) the whole time they talk about how angry they are at the people in the church and how abandoned they feel.
Mind you they are talking about people who don't go to the local church, usually they are finding fault with the hierarchy and just like to take it out on the locals. I have been saddened by this behavior especially after participating and watching while the locals in the church reached out and did all they knew how to do to bring love and support.
You can probably tell this has been a frustration for me. Who among us hasn't gone through hard things? I began to think back on some tough times in my life and specifically after having various experiences with death. There are many types of death. Divorce, actual death where someone dies. loss of a friendship, a job, you get the picture. For this example and story I will use actual death.
I remember the first time I was introduced to death. My parents took me to a dimly lit place where there was a large box with half the lid open. My dad took me up to this casket and inside were the remains of a cousin. don't really know who he was but he was a relative so we went to pay our respects. I remember my dad showing me and explaining to me that this was all that was left of him, the rest had gone to Heavenly Father. I'm sure he didn't see my look of confusion, but if he did he probably didn't know how he could have explained things any other way. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why Heavenly Father only wanted his legs and left the upper half of his body. oh the innocence of children.
Not very long after this encounter, my best friend died. have to admit that even at 7 years old I had a crush on him and would think how cool it would be if we grew up together and got married. There was an accident. 2 kids in the back of a camper and 1 in the front seat of a truck, someone ran a red light and all 3 children were killed instantly. This was someone I saw just the day before, and everyday at school we played together all the time. My best friend. Suddenly he was gone. I remember how upset and scared my mother was. we weren't allowed in the back of the camper on our truck ever again. We went to the funeral and instead of being taken to a casket to see him we saw 3 caskets on a stage of sorts, we weren't allowed to get close. They said it was so the children wouldn't be traumatized, us being all friends and all. Definite impact on my young life that now I can remember those details.
the next death I experienced in my young formative years was my kindergarten teacher. Once again we went to the funeral home and went through a line. It was interesting that she looked like she was sleeping yet they had put her glasses on. they said it was so the kids would recognize her. she would probably have looked weird without the glasses, but still, something is definitely weird about your kindergarten teacher passing away from a blood clot to the brain.
When I was about 10 my grandfather passed away. For many years I couldn't sing a particular hymn without bursting into tears. My Great Grandmother passed away shortly after I was married, I have since lost all my grandparents, I have lost Aunts and uncles, Great Aunts and Great uncles, friends, people I grew up with and went to church with, even kids I taught as youth. Some who I was there the day they were born. in very recent years, my Father, daughter in law, and my baby.
As I pondered my original question I thought back to my many experiences with death I remembered that sometimes people will say, "you don't know what it's like". This is very true. Every experience I had in my life was completely different and affected me like no other experience did. No one could possibly know exactly what I went through even if they had gone through the experience with me.
I remember when I lost my baby, it was as if the myelin sheath had disappeared from my whole nervous system. It took me a while before I could be in a large gathering without feeling like all the energy in the room was coming at me. I somehow knew though, that if I hid I would never come out of hiding. So I pushed on, and I understood that in order to heal, I had to serve. Being a Massage Therapist by trade my massage room is a place of healing. when you set out to serve others you can't help but be healed yourself.
So I kept contemplating this question, mostly because I've been struggling with the people who quit. I grew up with some of the most amazing old people ever invented. They knew and understood the gospel and loved to share it. They had been through some tough things and still pushed on and were a shining example in my life. So, my frustration has a lot to do with a selfish desire. I had hoped my children would have examples like that in their life. then something strange happened in the world.
They say the millennials are super self-absorbed. I have to submit it isn't just them, it's just their generation of time. We have old people today who have become self-absorbed and just quit. They quit on the next generation. You don't see these people at church sharing their testimony, you don't see them stepping up to teach a Sunday School class, share their wisdom with a new generation of people. They are stuck, wallowing in whatever it is they have decided to be angry about. So I kept asking God, Why won't these people stand up? Why is church the only place they refuse to go? He whispered to me.
They aren't angry at the people, they are angry at God. Great. So it's bad to be angry at God, so you take it out on the people who serve him? This answer was a bit hard to digest at first, but it makes some sense.
Logic says if you are hurting, surround yourself with friends and family who can be of a support to you. If you are grief stricken find comfort in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Find comfort with those who believe the same as yourself. For some reason in this generation, logic is thrown clear out the window.
In my case when I lost my baby I found myself perhaps in the midst of too many too fast (it was a very large crowd). But the thing I remember the most was the amount of love coming from those people, almost overwhelming. I realized I had to keep serving otherwise this feeling of anxiety would never go away, it was not enough to receive the love from others I had to share it.
It's almost like when you get an overload of energy so much that you keep getting shocked, so you go outside, take your shoes and socks off and walk through the grass to give some of that energy to the earth. Service is like that, so many want to be there to bless and serve, but we can get overloaded and we need to give back.
I think it's ok to be angry. Angry at the situation, angry with a person, Yes even angry at God. (short lived of course) it's ok to take your time to heal and grieve. It's even ok to withdraw for a time. What isn't ok is to quit. It isn't ok to take your anger out on people who try to help and bless. It isn't ok to come up with excuses, and find fault, accuse, and make things harder for everyone else who is trying to step up. It isn't ok to be a poor example for the next generation.
Go out and find a tree, have it out, get angry, yell, scream, jump up and down, but at the end of the day, if you keep living in the past, your past will become your present and it will become your future, and in the end you just hurt the ones who love you. Maybe after all of that, it's time to ask the important question, who abandoned who? Remember, your past does not define you, it's how you live your life and how you treat others despite your past that makes you who you are.
