Coming back to Life is a tough choice. When I was a teenager I had an experience where I was sleeping and I quit breathing. I was fully aware that I wasn't breathing and yet no panic, no worry. Maybe perhaps I was being given a choice whether to continue on earth or go home. I contemplated a lot of things as I felt my self sink further and further into the bed. Life wasn't so great at that moment. My parents were getting a divorce, didn't have a boyfriend, my siblings had all gotten married within the year so I was suddenly the oldest of the last two at home. Not much to look forward to. Then without warning a single thought came to my mind. 'children'. Whose children? oh, my children, my future children. The ones I promised to bring into this world. Oh ya, I probably ought to keep that promise. then I had to do the hardest thing ever, I had to take a breath. Wow, who would've thought that taking that first breath would be so hard? It was very painful as I felt the air fill my lungs, a sharp pain like a knife slicing through to make room for oxygen.
When you lose a child it's as if you live in an alternate reality. Everyday you wake up and breathe in and out. When people would ask me how I was doing that was my answer, I'm breathing in and out. It was all I could do. I stopped taking my vitamins the day I delivered my son. There seemed to be no purpose. my two small boys ages 5 and 3 would literally drag me through each day. I had never longed for the other side of the veil as much as I have in this experience.
Then one day, I woke up and realized that I was in pain and I couldn't keep going like I was. So I took a leap and swallowed a multivitamin. Reality isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I felt as if I was waking up from a bad dream only to realize that the dream was real, the emotions involved were like someone scraping your insides until you were raw. The pain is real and and physical, and it feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces. The worst part is that there are no answers.
Another part of coming back to life is how many people can find fault with you in just about every aspect you can imagine. It was as if the gates of hell opened up against me. No one was blaming me for my loss, but I was amazed at the other kinds of accusations.
Two days after I buried my son, My son's girlfriend went off on me. How dare I want him to move home and save money, take care of his health, get a leg up on his life a little. When did she become his mom? wife? family? He works graveyard, so now he comes home to sleep. Otherwise he has to be at her house or his other job. She even picks him up around the corner and won't step foot in my home.
Why are you different? This question actually came from a co-worker. I went back to work earlier than I had thought and wow! I was hit with, "we're going to keep this other therapist who was filling in for you, and cut your percentage back by 10%, but... we want you to know we think you are an excellent therapist and do an amazing job". So, I am attempting to negotiate and did my best to keep a good working relationship while explaining why this wasn't working for me. I'm an independent contractor, you don't just dictate your wishes and I comply. I can work in your office a couple of days and another chiropractor a few days, but no, I'm not ok with taking a decrease in percentage just for the heck of it. Within a week I was full time with another chiropractor. Best part was that he was more talented.
The thing that hurt however was the accusations. "You're using us to launch your new business". Alrighty then, I thought I had been in business for myself for the past two years. "you want to steal our patients". wow, I was under the impression that a massage therapist and a chiropractor were two different things. complimentary in nature but definitely not competitive, besides I wasn't the only therapist they would refer their patients to. The other thing that hurt was how quickly the other therapist who was only there to take care of my patients until I returned, jumped into my job. Nothing personal, just business? ok then.
I can see how Heavenly Father took care of me and put me into a better position so quickly, but I had one more thing to mourn and leave behind.
It seemed like there were attacks everywhere I turned. One man asked my husband if I had cancelled a meeting they were going to have. I'm not sure why I would do that or why it would've been my call, but it was one more weird accusation.
I even had a woman I barely knew come up to me in the park and tell me that it was a blessing to lose a baby. Ya probably not what I needed to hear.
I have to say that without the extremely strong support group, I'm not so sure I could've handled all this "extra" stuff. You know the old saying when it rains it pours? Wow, why is it that when you have such a loss that so many are so willing to cast judgement and throw stones, on so many levels?
I was also amazed at how many movies there suddenly were, that portrayed a woman losing or giving up her child. where in the world are all the comedies?
It's been 3 months since I had to give my baby back to God, my wonderful chiropractor/friend, tells me, you know it really hasn't been that long, you need to cut yourself some slack.
It's amazing how words so simple can mean so much. Coming back to life wasn't and isn't all that fun, but I'm learning each day how to live again. How to keep going in my many responsibilities, How to forgive, and how to count the little blessings that come my way. I know I'm being watched over. That beautiful spirit that chose to stay in heaven watches over me and listens to my complaints, sees my tears, gives me inspiration, and comforts me through all of it.
They choose to keep secrets, those who are on the other side of the veil, someday I hope they will decide to share those things they keep to themselves, with me.
In the meantime I write, I learn to live for my little ones I still have to raise, I go on and serve others. I somehow have felt that by serving through massage therapy, helping others to get well, I'm helping myself to heal also. It must be working, some of my patients tell me they notice that I'm doing better, one lady told me I seemed lighter.
Faith is all I have in this life, and boy was it shaken! But Faith in Jesus Christ, Faith In God, makes these burdens lighter and easier to bear until all knowledge is given back.
Coming back to life in and of itself is a journey...
Friday, June 28, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
In the Thick of It
6:30 am and here we are again. right back at that Labor and Delivery place. The day before I went home and continued with my denial, there's some mistake. This isn't happening, don't these things only happen to strangers?
The Labor and Delivery place is supposed to be a happy place, people come here to celebrate new life, new opportunities. They don't come here to bring and unborn child into the the world. Once again the uncontrollable tears came. They came without being asked or summoned, they just appeared, no longer was I the strong one, the one in control, the one who is there for everyone else. Now, I needed someone to be there for me.
The Doctor gave me the medication to begin the process of delivering this child. This beautiful child whose spirit was no longer inside his body. I like to think he was staying with me to help me through it all. I could feel the presence of several people in that room. Only there to give comfort and to let us know that it was going to be ok. How on earth could this be ok? that may be a question I ask for years to come.
The doctor had two concerns, 1. I may rupture the stitching from my last c-section. It was a vertical cut and those don't seem to hold up very well. 2. A lot of women hemorrhage during this type of delivery. I guess the weirdest part was that I never worried. I felt like everything was going to go just fine. The only thing I worried about was the impact on my daughter.
She insisted on being present, this was important to her. I had no idea how to prepare her for what was going to take place. I didn't know myself what to expect. I told her this was not going to have a happy ending, I was worried that she would be scared to go on to have children herself. She was so grown up and told me she would be alright and she wanted to be there for me.
We waited for what seemed forever for the medication to begin working. at one point I knew I was in transition, but it was different. Each contraction was like a wave and the waves layered one on top of another. It came to the point where I couldn't handle the pain on an emotional level. So I agreed to having some drugs. I felt the drug hit the top of my head and spread out like water through my body, then I became unbelievably hot, but it took the edge off and I could again focus on the task at hand.
In just under 4 hours I had delivered a tiny bubble with a baby, his umbilical cord, and placenta all in one beautiful tiny package. There was no rupture, no hemorrhage just relief.
It's an amazing thing to witness the miracle up close, I almost didn't want the doctor to pop the bubble, but it was important to check the infant over to see what, if anything had gone wrong.
My husband was my strength as he is with all my deliveries, but this one I needed more and he had it to give. He told me later that he was amazed at how hard I had worked for this little son. Between how sick I had been and the delivery, I had earned the right to be his mother.
The doctor commented about how well everything went, he had seen a lot of traumatic experiences and was pleased that with how hard this was, it was a beautiful thing. My sister stayed with us through the whole day and even offered a place for us to put his tiny body back into the earth.
I thought it was interesting that I found myself commenting about how beautiful it all was. the nurse, who had been through it herself, kept telling me that I didn't need to be strong in all of it, that I needed to be the one to heal. I thought it was interesting especially since on the wall was printed a saying about needing to be strong through trials. I listened though because what did I know? I was tired, emotionally and physically. I knew I needed to take the time and remember that this time had to be about me and my family. If I didn't somehow I knew there would be consequences later.
My son weighed 3 oz and was 6 in long. The doctor said he had extra skin on his neck which could've meant there was a defect. who knows. The social worker, who just happened to be a good friend came to talk to me. The hospital was willing to take care of the baby so I didn't have to. I thanked them but told them that for me it was important to make sure I knew his body had been returned to the earth. They gave me a small box just big enough for my tiny infant.
I was surprised that when the nurses offered to put him in the fridge, I panicked at the thought of him being away from me. Then the man from the mortuary came and took him. We didn't need a death certificate since he wasn't 20 weeks yet. But when I retrieved him from the mortuary it was as if I could breathe again. I became aware of the signature of his spirit associated with that tiny body, and how much I had missed it in the hours it was away from me. holding even the box was a great comfort to me.
There wasn't a lot of fan fare, but we found a place to return his little self back to mother earth. We decided to call him Helaman Matthias. Helaman was a tremendous hero of ours from the Book of Mormon and Matthias was a disciple to Jesus. These two names we wanted our valiant son to be remembered by. We know he is safe and watching over us. He must've been needed more by his Heavenly Father than us. It doesn't stop the pain, or lessen it, but knowing helps.
In my sorrow and pain I cried to the Lord for understanding. Why are my arms empty? Why did this happen? was it my fault? did I do something wrong? what could I have done differently? The answers that come are only ones of comfort. "It's going to be ok" I'm told. Then in the midst of my tears and pleadings for why, I felt as if I were in a bad dream, I wanted to wake up in the worst of ways. Then, I had a poem come into my mind. something to the effect of - we were as they that dream....
I had no idea where I knew those words from, so I went to the search engine, Psalm 126. The whole thing meant a lot to me, but the last two verses spoke volumes.... "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.
Once again the Lord says to me, it will all be ok. I don't have any answers, but I trust in the Lord. Then comes the rest of the trials of faith.
The Labor and Delivery place is supposed to be a happy place, people come here to celebrate new life, new opportunities. They don't come here to bring and unborn child into the the world. Once again the uncontrollable tears came. They came without being asked or summoned, they just appeared, no longer was I the strong one, the one in control, the one who is there for everyone else. Now, I needed someone to be there for me.
The Doctor gave me the medication to begin the process of delivering this child. This beautiful child whose spirit was no longer inside his body. I like to think he was staying with me to help me through it all. I could feel the presence of several people in that room. Only there to give comfort and to let us know that it was going to be ok. How on earth could this be ok? that may be a question I ask for years to come.
The doctor had two concerns, 1. I may rupture the stitching from my last c-section. It was a vertical cut and those don't seem to hold up very well. 2. A lot of women hemorrhage during this type of delivery. I guess the weirdest part was that I never worried. I felt like everything was going to go just fine. The only thing I worried about was the impact on my daughter.
She insisted on being present, this was important to her. I had no idea how to prepare her for what was going to take place. I didn't know myself what to expect. I told her this was not going to have a happy ending, I was worried that she would be scared to go on to have children herself. She was so grown up and told me she would be alright and she wanted to be there for me.
We waited for what seemed forever for the medication to begin working. at one point I knew I was in transition, but it was different. Each contraction was like a wave and the waves layered one on top of another. It came to the point where I couldn't handle the pain on an emotional level. So I agreed to having some drugs. I felt the drug hit the top of my head and spread out like water through my body, then I became unbelievably hot, but it took the edge off and I could again focus on the task at hand.
In just under 4 hours I had delivered a tiny bubble with a baby, his umbilical cord, and placenta all in one beautiful tiny package. There was no rupture, no hemorrhage just relief.
It's an amazing thing to witness the miracle up close, I almost didn't want the doctor to pop the bubble, but it was important to check the infant over to see what, if anything had gone wrong.
My husband was my strength as he is with all my deliveries, but this one I needed more and he had it to give. He told me later that he was amazed at how hard I had worked for this little son. Between how sick I had been and the delivery, I had earned the right to be his mother.
The doctor commented about how well everything went, he had seen a lot of traumatic experiences and was pleased that with how hard this was, it was a beautiful thing. My sister stayed with us through the whole day and even offered a place for us to put his tiny body back into the earth.
I thought it was interesting that I found myself commenting about how beautiful it all was. the nurse, who had been through it herself, kept telling me that I didn't need to be strong in all of it, that I needed to be the one to heal. I thought it was interesting especially since on the wall was printed a saying about needing to be strong through trials. I listened though because what did I know? I was tired, emotionally and physically. I knew I needed to take the time and remember that this time had to be about me and my family. If I didn't somehow I knew there would be consequences later.
My son weighed 3 oz and was 6 in long. The doctor said he had extra skin on his neck which could've meant there was a defect. who knows. The social worker, who just happened to be a good friend came to talk to me. The hospital was willing to take care of the baby so I didn't have to. I thanked them but told them that for me it was important to make sure I knew his body had been returned to the earth. They gave me a small box just big enough for my tiny infant.
I was surprised that when the nurses offered to put him in the fridge, I panicked at the thought of him being away from me. Then the man from the mortuary came and took him. We didn't need a death certificate since he wasn't 20 weeks yet. But when I retrieved him from the mortuary it was as if I could breathe again. I became aware of the signature of his spirit associated with that tiny body, and how much I had missed it in the hours it was away from me. holding even the box was a great comfort to me.
There wasn't a lot of fan fare, but we found a place to return his little self back to mother earth. We decided to call him Helaman Matthias. Helaman was a tremendous hero of ours from the Book of Mormon and Matthias was a disciple to Jesus. These two names we wanted our valiant son to be remembered by. We know he is safe and watching over us. He must've been needed more by his Heavenly Father than us. It doesn't stop the pain, or lessen it, but knowing helps.
In my sorrow and pain I cried to the Lord for understanding. Why are my arms empty? Why did this happen? was it my fault? did I do something wrong? what could I have done differently? The answers that come are only ones of comfort. "It's going to be ok" I'm told. Then in the midst of my tears and pleadings for why, I felt as if I were in a bad dream, I wanted to wake up in the worst of ways. Then, I had a poem come into my mind. something to the effect of - we were as they that dream....
I had no idea where I knew those words from, so I went to the search engine, Psalm 126. The whole thing meant a lot to me, but the last two verses spoke volumes.... "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.
Once again the Lord says to me, it will all be ok. I don't have any answers, but I trust in the Lord. Then comes the rest of the trials of faith.
Friday, June 21, 2013
A Journey of Healing
One day you're a mom running about doing regular mom things, you have a job and work to help other people heal, you have a calling to help other women on their path to strengthen and lift and bless. It's amazing how everything you ever believed, ever thought you knew could change in an instant.
This past March, I was expecting a baby boy, what a blessing to have another child enter into my life and bless our family. Some people would gasp! another baby!!! don't you have enough? oh never enough beautiful spirits in the world I could definitely say. I realized I wasn't a spring chicken and that my last delivery was pretty scary, but I believed that God was on my side and he would take care of me and my little one.
March 26th I had an appointment with the doctor. Although he had guessed we were having a boy, I wasn't about to let a guess dictate what I would tell people, sometimes I'm not so sure about the ultrasounds showing truth. My 11 year old daughter wanted to see the baby onscreen so I let her skip an hour of school to come with me. we were both excited to share in this experience.
The doctor put the doppler on my belly and couldn't find anything. I thought well, sometimes babies hide and it takes a few minutes to find them. The doctor smiled and said well, lets look at the ultrasound, so we went to the room next door and he used the machine to find baby brother. Still nothing, "is the sound on?" I thought? what is this machine doing? I really have never had an ultrasound since normally I'm a home-birth type of person. Being in the hospital was pretty new and I was not sure what to expect.
The nurse took my daughter out of the exam room and the doctor whispered, "there's no heartbeat". Wow was this real? how could this be possible? These things don't happen to me! I have 8 healthy children, what would've gone wrong? What a devastating experience. The doctor reassured me that it was nothing I did or didn't do. Sometimes these things just happen and there's no explanation.
Really? I want answers! I want them now! I want my baby! I want I want I want.....All of these thoughts were going through my head and all I could do was cry. I had been extremely sick for the past 4 1/2 months for nothing?
I couldn't have been in a better place with a better staff, the love and compassion was amazing and the doctor told me that I needed to come back to the hospital later that evening to have a stick of dried seaweed inserted in my cervix. The theory was that the seaweed would expand and dilate me so I could deliver this unborn baby.
I went home to rationalize, to absorb the information and hey what about my patients? I better suck it up and go to work right? I can stuff it and go heal others. I called my office and told the receptionist, my friend Christina, my baby was gone. wow I had no idea how to even say it. I said, I think I can come to work this afternoon, but I'm going to have to recover from delivering this baby. I'm not sure how long it will take, so maybe we better cancel my appointments for the next week.
Looking back on it I think, my goodness! I was in a really weird place if I thought I could go back to work after a week. Sometimes I wonder what happens to the brain in situations like this?
Christina took control of that part of my situation like an absolute pro and did my thinking for me. No, everything is cancelled you don't worry about work. All I could say was ok, I'm so sorry. She reassured me that work was the last thing I needed to think about. My niece Amanda would come in and take care of my patients until I could come back. I thought, well at least they'll be taken care of until my return. That was important to me.
I walked the long hallway at the hospital at the appointed time trying so hard to be brave. No bravery when I saw the words above the door, Labor and delivery. oh dear! Is this real? Am I really here? Am I stuck in a bad dream? The nurses were very caring and the procedure went quickly. The doctor was so kind to show my husband the ultrasound (just to make sure). I was instructed to come back the next morning at 6:30 am.
This past March, I was expecting a baby boy, what a blessing to have another child enter into my life and bless our family. Some people would gasp! another baby!!! don't you have enough? oh never enough beautiful spirits in the world I could definitely say. I realized I wasn't a spring chicken and that my last delivery was pretty scary, but I believed that God was on my side and he would take care of me and my little one.
March 26th I had an appointment with the doctor. Although he had guessed we were having a boy, I wasn't about to let a guess dictate what I would tell people, sometimes I'm not so sure about the ultrasounds showing truth. My 11 year old daughter wanted to see the baby onscreen so I let her skip an hour of school to come with me. we were both excited to share in this experience.
The doctor put the doppler on my belly and couldn't find anything. I thought well, sometimes babies hide and it takes a few minutes to find them. The doctor smiled and said well, lets look at the ultrasound, so we went to the room next door and he used the machine to find baby brother. Still nothing, "is the sound on?" I thought? what is this machine doing? I really have never had an ultrasound since normally I'm a home-birth type of person. Being in the hospital was pretty new and I was not sure what to expect.
The nurse took my daughter out of the exam room and the doctor whispered, "there's no heartbeat". Wow was this real? how could this be possible? These things don't happen to me! I have 8 healthy children, what would've gone wrong? What a devastating experience. The doctor reassured me that it was nothing I did or didn't do. Sometimes these things just happen and there's no explanation.
Really? I want answers! I want them now! I want my baby! I want I want I want.....All of these thoughts were going through my head and all I could do was cry. I had been extremely sick for the past 4 1/2 months for nothing?
I couldn't have been in a better place with a better staff, the love and compassion was amazing and the doctor told me that I needed to come back to the hospital later that evening to have a stick of dried seaweed inserted in my cervix. The theory was that the seaweed would expand and dilate me so I could deliver this unborn baby.
I went home to rationalize, to absorb the information and hey what about my patients? I better suck it up and go to work right? I can stuff it and go heal others. I called my office and told the receptionist, my friend Christina, my baby was gone. wow I had no idea how to even say it. I said, I think I can come to work this afternoon, but I'm going to have to recover from delivering this baby. I'm not sure how long it will take, so maybe we better cancel my appointments for the next week.
Looking back on it I think, my goodness! I was in a really weird place if I thought I could go back to work after a week. Sometimes I wonder what happens to the brain in situations like this?
Christina took control of that part of my situation like an absolute pro and did my thinking for me. No, everything is cancelled you don't worry about work. All I could say was ok, I'm so sorry. She reassured me that work was the last thing I needed to think about. My niece Amanda would come in and take care of my patients until I could come back. I thought, well at least they'll be taken care of until my return. That was important to me.
I walked the long hallway at the hospital at the appointed time trying so hard to be brave. No bravery when I saw the words above the door, Labor and delivery. oh dear! Is this real? Am I really here? Am I stuck in a bad dream? The nurses were very caring and the procedure went quickly. The doctor was so kind to show my husband the ultrasound (just to make sure). I was instructed to come back the next morning at 6:30 am.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
The Unfinished Picture
The unfinished picture
In our house is a picture, with smiles on every face
You see this picture was taken before we knew you’d come to
this place
How could we have ever imagined how empty our lives could be
To know your spirit, feel your love and then, you weren't
meant to stay
The gift you've given us is priceless and there’s still the
question why
As I look at the unfinished picture and look up to the sky
You see in every picture taken in now and future times
Someone will be missing in all the space and time
It’s the happiness we could have had, if with your smile on
earth we were blessed.
It’s our hope that one day the unfinished picture will be
finished with all of us together at last.
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