Coming Back to Life

Coming back to Life is a tough choice. When I was a teenager I had an experience where I was sleeping and I quit breathing. I was fully aware that I wasn't breathing and yet no panic, no worry. Maybe perhaps I was being given a choice whether to continue on earth or go home. I contemplated a lot of things as I felt my self sink further and further into the bed. Life wasn't so great at that moment. My parents were getting a divorce, didn't have a boyfriend, my siblings had all gotten married within the year so I was suddenly the oldest of the last two at home. Not much to look forward to. Then without warning a single thought came to my mind. 'children'. Whose children? oh, my children, my future children. The ones I promised to bring into this world. Oh ya, I probably ought to keep that promise. then I had to do the hardest thing ever, I had to take a breath. Wow, who would've thought that taking that first breath would be so hard? It was very painful as I felt the air fill my lungs, a sharp pain like a knife slicing through to make room for oxygen.

When you lose a child it's as if you live in an alternate reality. Everyday you wake up and breathe in and out. When people would ask me how I was doing that was my answer, I'm breathing in and out. It was all I could do. I stopped taking my vitamins the day I delivered my son. There seemed to be no purpose. my two small boys ages 5 and 3 would literally drag me through each day. I had never longed for the other side of the veil as much as I have in this experience.

Then one day, I woke up and realized that I was in pain and I couldn't keep going like I was. So I took a leap and swallowed a multivitamin. Reality isn't all that it's cracked up to be. I felt as if I was waking up from a bad dream only to realize that the dream was real, the emotions involved were like someone scraping your insides until you were raw. The pain is real and and physical, and it feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces. The worst part is that there are no answers.

Another part of coming back to life is how many people can find fault with you in just about every aspect you can imagine. It was as if the gates of hell opened up against me. No one was blaming me for my loss, but I was amazed at the other kinds of accusations.

Two days after I buried my son, My son's girlfriend went off on me. How dare I want him to move home and save money, take care of his health, get a leg up on his life a little. When did she become his mom? wife? family? He works graveyard, so now he comes home to sleep. Otherwise he has to be at her house or his other job. She even picks him up around the corner and won't step foot in my home.

Why are you different? This question actually came from a co-worker. I went back to work earlier than I had thought and wow! I was hit with, "we're going to keep this other therapist who was filling in for you, and cut your percentage back by 10%, but... we want you to know we think you are an excellent therapist and do an amazing job".  So, I am attempting to negotiate and did my best to keep a good working relationship while explaining why this wasn't working for me. I'm an independent contractor, you don't just dictate your wishes and I comply. I can work in your office a couple of days and another chiropractor a few days, but no, I'm not ok with taking a decrease in percentage just for the heck of it. Within a week I was full time with another chiropractor. Best part was that he was more talented.

The thing that hurt however was the accusations. "You're using us to launch your new business". Alrighty then, I thought I had been in business for myself for the past two years. "you want to steal our patients". wow, I was under the impression that a massage therapist and a chiropractor were two different things. complimentary in nature but definitely not competitive, besides I wasn't the only therapist they would refer their patients to. The other thing that hurt was how quickly the other therapist who was only there to take care of my patients until I returned, jumped into my job. Nothing personal, just business? ok then.

I can see how Heavenly Father took care of me and put me into a better position so quickly, but I had one more thing to mourn and leave behind.

It seemed like there were attacks everywhere I turned. One man asked my husband if I had cancelled a meeting they were going to have. I'm not sure why I would do that or why it would've been my call, but it was one more weird accusation.

I even had a woman I barely knew come up to me in the park and tell me that it was a blessing to lose a baby. Ya probably not what I needed to hear.

I have to say that without the extremely strong support group, I'm not so sure I could've handled all this "extra" stuff. You know the old saying when it rains it pours? Wow, why is it that when you have such a loss that so many are so willing to cast judgement and throw stones, on so many levels?

I was also amazed at how many movies there suddenly were, that portrayed a woman losing or giving up her child. where in the world are all the comedies?

It's been 3 months since I had to give my baby back to God, my wonderful chiropractor/friend, tells me, you know it really hasn't been that long, you need to cut yourself some slack.

It's amazing how words so simple can mean so much. Coming back to life wasn't and isn't all that fun, but I'm learning each day how to live again. How to keep going in my many responsibilities, How to forgive, and how to count the little blessings that come my way. I know I'm being watched over. That beautiful spirit that chose to stay in heaven watches over me and listens to my complaints, sees my tears, gives me inspiration, and comforts me through all of it.

They choose to keep secrets, those who are on the other side of the veil, someday I hope they will decide to share those things they keep to themselves, with me.

In the meantime I write, I learn to live for my little ones I still have to raise, I go on and serve others. I somehow have felt that by serving through massage therapy, helping others to get well, I'm helping myself to heal also. It must be working, some of my patients tell me they notice that I'm doing better, one lady told me I seemed lighter.

Faith is all I have in this life, and boy was it shaken! But Faith in Jesus Christ, Faith In God, makes these burdens lighter and easier to bear until all knowledge is given back.

Coming back to life in and of itself is a journey...