6:30 am and here we are again. right back at that Labor and Delivery place. The day before I went home and continued with my denial, there's some mistake. This isn't happening, don't these things only happen to strangers?
The Labor and Delivery place is supposed to be a happy place, people come here to celebrate new life, new opportunities. They don't come here to bring and unborn child into the the world. Once again the uncontrollable tears came. They came without being asked or summoned, they just appeared, no longer was I the strong one, the one in control, the one who is there for everyone else. Now, I needed someone to be there for me.
The Doctor gave me the medication to begin the process of delivering this child. This beautiful child whose spirit was no longer inside his body. I like to think he was staying with me to help me through it all. I could feel the presence of several people in that room. Only there to give comfort and to let us know that it was going to be ok. How on earth could this be ok? that may be a question I ask for years to come.
The doctor had two concerns, 1. I may rupture the stitching from my last c-section. It was a vertical cut and those don't seem to hold up very well. 2. A lot of women hemorrhage during this type of delivery. I guess the weirdest part was that I never worried. I felt like everything was going to go just fine. The only thing I worried about was the impact on my daughter.
She insisted on being present, this was important to her. I had no idea how to prepare her for what was going to take place. I didn't know myself what to expect. I told her this was not going to have a happy ending, I was worried that she would be scared to go on to have children herself. She was so grown up and told me she would be alright and she wanted to be there for me.
We waited for what seemed forever for the medication to begin working. at one point I knew I was in transition, but it was different. Each contraction was like a wave and the waves layered one on top of another. It came to the point where I couldn't handle the pain on an emotional level. So I agreed to having some drugs. I felt the drug hit the top of my head and spread out like water through my body, then I became unbelievably hot, but it took the edge off and I could again focus on the task at hand.
In just under 4 hours I had delivered a tiny bubble with a baby, his umbilical cord, and placenta all in one beautiful tiny package. There was no rupture, no hemorrhage just relief.
It's an amazing thing to witness the miracle up close, I almost didn't want the doctor to pop the bubble, but it was important to check the infant over to see what, if anything had gone wrong.
My husband was my strength as he is with all my deliveries, but this one I needed more and he had it to give. He told me later that he was amazed at how hard I had worked for this little son. Between how sick I had been and the delivery, I had earned the right to be his mother.
The doctor commented about how well everything went, he had seen a lot of traumatic experiences and was pleased that with how hard this was, it was a beautiful thing. My sister stayed with us through the whole day and even offered a place for us to put his tiny body back into the earth.
I thought it was interesting that I found myself commenting about how beautiful it all was. the nurse, who had been through it herself, kept telling me that I didn't need to be strong in all of it, that I needed to be the one to heal. I thought it was interesting especially since on the wall was printed a saying about needing to be strong through trials. I listened though because what did I know? I was tired, emotionally and physically. I knew I needed to take the time and remember that this time had to be about me and my family. If I didn't somehow I knew there would be consequences later.
My son weighed 3 oz and was 6 in long. The doctor said he had extra skin on his neck which could've meant there was a defect. who knows. The social worker, who just happened to be a good friend came to talk to me. The hospital was willing to take care of the baby so I didn't have to. I thanked them but told them that for me it was important to make sure I knew his body had been returned to the earth. They gave me a small box just big enough for my tiny infant.
I was surprised that when the nurses offered to put him in the fridge, I panicked at the thought of him being away from me. Then the man from the mortuary came and took him. We didn't need a death certificate since he wasn't 20 weeks yet. But when I retrieved him from the mortuary it was as if I could breathe again. I became aware of the signature of his spirit associated with that tiny body, and how much I had missed it in the hours it was away from me. holding even the box was a great comfort to me.
There wasn't a lot of fan fare, but we found a place to return his little self back to mother earth. We decided to call him Helaman Matthias. Helaman was a tremendous hero of ours from the Book of Mormon and Matthias was a disciple to Jesus. These two names we wanted our valiant son to be remembered by. We know he is safe and watching over us. He must've been needed more by his Heavenly Father than us. It doesn't stop the pain, or lessen it, but knowing helps.
In my sorrow and pain I cried to the Lord for understanding. Why are my arms empty? Why did this happen? was it my fault? did I do something wrong? what could I have done differently? The answers that come are only ones of comfort. "It's going to be ok" I'm told. Then in the midst of my tears and pleadings for why, I felt as if I were in a bad dream, I wanted to wake up in the worst of ways. Then, I had a poem come into my mind. something to the effect of - we were as they that dream....
I had no idea where I knew those words from, so I went to the search engine, Psalm 126. The whole thing meant a lot to me, but the last two verses spoke volumes.... "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.
Once again the Lord says to me, it will all be ok. I don't have any answers, but I trust in the Lord. Then comes the rest of the trials of faith.
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