One day you're a mom running about doing regular mom things, you have a job and work to help other people heal, you have a calling to help other women on their path to strengthen and lift and bless. It's amazing how everything you ever believed, ever thought you knew could change in an instant.
This past March, I was expecting a baby boy, what a blessing to have another child enter into my life and bless our family. Some people would gasp! another baby!!! don't you have enough? oh never enough beautiful spirits in the world I could definitely say. I realized I wasn't a spring chicken and that my last delivery was pretty scary, but I believed that God was on my side and he would take care of me and my little one.
March 26th I had an appointment with the doctor. Although he had guessed we were having a boy, I wasn't about to let a guess dictate what I would tell people, sometimes I'm not so sure about the ultrasounds showing truth. My 11 year old daughter wanted to see the baby onscreen so I let her skip an hour of school to come with me. we were both excited to share in this experience.
The doctor put the doppler on my belly and couldn't find anything. I thought well, sometimes babies hide and it takes a few minutes to find them. The doctor smiled and said well, lets look at the ultrasound, so we went to the room next door and he used the machine to find baby brother. Still nothing, "is the sound on?" I thought? what is this machine doing? I really have never had an ultrasound since normally I'm a home-birth type of person. Being in the hospital was pretty new and I was not sure what to expect.
The nurse took my daughter out of the exam room and the doctor whispered, "there's no heartbeat". Wow was this real? how could this be possible? These things don't happen to me! I have 8 healthy children, what would've gone wrong? What a devastating experience. The doctor reassured me that it was nothing I did or didn't do. Sometimes these things just happen and there's no explanation.
Really? I want answers! I want them now! I want my baby! I want I want I want.....All of these thoughts were going through my head and all I could do was cry. I had been extremely sick for the past 4 1/2 months for nothing?
I couldn't have been in a better place with a better staff, the love and compassion was amazing and the doctor told me that I needed to come back to the hospital later that evening to have a stick of dried seaweed inserted in my cervix. The theory was that the seaweed would expand and dilate me so I could deliver this unborn baby.
I went home to rationalize, to absorb the information and hey what about my patients? I better suck it up and go to work right? I can stuff it and go heal others. I called my office and told the receptionist, my friend Christina, my baby was gone. wow I had no idea how to even say it. I said, I think I can come to work this afternoon, but I'm going to have to recover from delivering this baby. I'm not sure how long it will take, so maybe we better cancel my appointments for the next week.
Looking back on it I think, my goodness! I was in a really weird place if I thought I could go back to work after a week. Sometimes I wonder what happens to the brain in situations like this?
Christina took control of that part of my situation like an absolute pro and did my thinking for me. No, everything is cancelled you don't worry about work. All I could say was ok, I'm so sorry. She reassured me that work was the last thing I needed to think about. My niece Amanda would come in and take care of my patients until I could come back. I thought, well at least they'll be taken care of until my return. That was important to me.
I walked the long hallway at the hospital at the appointed time trying so hard to be brave. No bravery when I saw the words above the door, Labor and delivery. oh dear! Is this real? Am I really here? Am I stuck in a bad dream? The nurses were very caring and the procedure went quickly. The doctor was so kind to show my husband the ultrasound (just to make sure). I was instructed to come back the next morning at 6:30 am.
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