Taking Care of Yourself

My Chiropractor told me that I needed to remember that not too long ago I gave my baby back to God and that I needed to give myself time to heal.

Most people have already forgotten the traumatic experience my husband and I have been through. It's not one of those get over it things, it's a day to day journey. I finally gave into the fact that if I need a nap during the day, I need to allow myself to do that without the guilt.

I have come to a realization that if I was nursing a baby right now, I would be stuck in a chair for the next 9 months. Why on earth do I think it's ok to push my limits because I don't have that baby? It's not ok, I have to take care of myself for the rest of my children. So I get home from work and I may not be able to get up all the energy I need to clean the house top to bottom, I may only get the dishes done, if I do that I've gotten somewhere.

I decided I needed a massage. After massaging people everyday so much gets built up in my shoulders, back hips, everywhere, so I realized I needed a massage. I went to the local massage school and was surprised when the girl got to my shoulders, I started to have leakage in my eyes. The amount of emotion coming out of my shoulders was incredible and shocking.

You go along thinking you're ok, thinking that by taking the vitamins is helping. Helping other people get well is helping you, taking care of the day to day things is moving ahead. Then bam! out of nowhere you have to face the fact that it's ok to cry, it's ok to take care of yourself and all of these other things are noble and good and they do in fact help, but reaching up to God and saying, I need more is ok too.  Then God lets you know in his own way, that taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of the rest of the world.

A New Day

We celebrated the Independence of our Nation recently. I know that there's no way to imagine how much our forefathers and all those who fought, lived, died, suffered, went through. I sometimes try to imagine how they must have felt when it was all over. The words in our National Anthem bring tears to my eyes as the writer describes his feelings. There were bombs bursting in the air, probably clouds of smoke so thick you can't see through any of it. But when it all clears the first thing he sees is the American Flag flying high and proud. It was all worth it. and while we grieve our losses, we've created something new something better for ourselves and our children.

I don't think I can say I've created something better through giving my child back to God. When the clouds of smoke begin to lift and you begin to awaken, the first thing I could see was my children who are still here, still on this earth. My children who need me. I realized that I could no longer just be dragged around by them, going through the motions, I had to really be there for them. They are my ensign. They are simply amazing human beings and I get the privilege of hanging out with them.

Have I changed? undoubtedly. I am the same person, only new. I have a patient who tells me I sound like I'm doing better, my demeanor has improved. I think I'm doing better, but at the same time everyday is still a struggle. I never know how I'm going to feel when I wake up, what the next day is going to bring. I struggle to keep the depression away, sometimes I am freed for a moment and then I go back to the struggle. My dear friend tells me that I've become a person who can be there for someone else. Perhaps my ability to have compassion has deepened. Hard to say when it's apparent that the pain will never truly leave, everything I am, everything I do I have to qualify to be a better person for that little one who never came, and those that did.

Healing is definitely a process, and much to process, through my mission of healing others I know that it helps to heal me. I am so grateful that those I assist, care about me as well and we, in a way share something together that cannot be replaced.

I am a new person in that I will never see the world the same as I did before. I may laugh and sing, cry and worry, but the realization now is that the world I have to create is for my living children those angels who will bring their children into this world, what will my legacy to them be? A new day is about starting over, starting fresh, willing to take on new challenges and changes. To be awakened is to accept each day as a gift to those I serve, whether it's my patients or my children, or my husband.

Each Day Is a New Day

Forgiveness

When you experience a loss, it's as if you have been away. Lost in a fog, not sure if recovery is even possible. You know you have a good support group, and the ones who hurt you are added to a list of needing forgiveness. For the most part, forgiving seems to be something to put on the shelf and hope it comes.

The problem is that not only do I now have a list of people I have to forgive, but I have to include myself in that list. It's amazing how many small things you can find to blame yourself for. Did I eat the right things? Should I have exercised more? What things should I have been aware of? What did I miss?

No matter how many people tell you that nothing that happened was your fault, you still try to find reasons. One day my husband was comforting me during a meltdown on myself, and he stopped, he turned to me and said, "you have to quit blaming yourself". For some reason his words went deep into my soul, and I knew he was right. It was time to quit blaming myself. I don't have to worry about this child, he's safe. What can I do for him?

I set to making a place just for him. The first thing we did was plant a grapevine. Then we put up a little white picket fence to create a memorial. I wanted something unique but beautiful to be a part of the memorial. Being a massage therapist I use stones quite a bit. As a therapist I understand that stones have purposes, and a energy that is uniquely theirs. I thought what better thing to use as a memorial for my precious son than a stone taken from a local creek. So I loaded the kids in the car and we went rock hunting. I somehow had a picture in my head of the stone I wanted, nothing too small, flat on both sides if possible, but I didn't want a headstone looking rock.

Imagine my surprise when only after 10 min of looking the right stone shouted out "here I am!" Not literally of course, but when I saw it, I pointed and said to my son, that's it.

My strong 15 year old took the stone and as heavy as it was carried it up the embankment of the creek to the car. I called a friend of mine and within a week we had a beautifully painted stone with his birthday, name and a couple of designs.

It was a rare time when I was grateful for the tremendous wind we have in our city. The stone dried within only a couple of days and I was able to spray it with a waterproof coating.

Doing these small things for my son, has been so healing for me, and helped me in my forgiveness of myself. I know he doesn't need these gestures, but I hope he can look from heaven and see something beautiful.  Eventually we'll have an arbor to let the grapevines grow across. We'll do it a little at a time and I know it will help to keep his memory close to my heart.

As soon as I realized I could not blame myself anymore, It was a turning point in my ability to go on. I now can look at his pictures without falling apart. It's as if letting go of the blame is helping me to be closer to him and love the pictures of his tiny person and see how beautiful he truly is. The coolest thing was when I was working on a patient, she asked me how I was doing, I answered that I felt that I was healing and accepting things. She then told me how dramatic my energy had changed in just a short time and that my voice sounded like I was healing. What a wonderful thing to have confirmation that we're moving ahead.

As for the others on my list? Baby steps. Forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to forget. It doesn't mean that I have to say it's ok, or trust, it means that I have to show unconditional love for those who have hurt me. It's a process and it won't happen overnight or on anyone's timeline, but it's ok and I can cut myself some slack and take it a little bit at a time.