Forgiveness

When you experience a loss, it's as if you have been away. Lost in a fog, not sure if recovery is even possible. You know you have a good support group, and the ones who hurt you are added to a list of needing forgiveness. For the most part, forgiving seems to be something to put on the shelf and hope it comes.

The problem is that not only do I now have a list of people I have to forgive, but I have to include myself in that list. It's amazing how many small things you can find to blame yourself for. Did I eat the right things? Should I have exercised more? What things should I have been aware of? What did I miss?

No matter how many people tell you that nothing that happened was your fault, you still try to find reasons. One day my husband was comforting me during a meltdown on myself, and he stopped, he turned to me and said, "you have to quit blaming yourself". For some reason his words went deep into my soul, and I knew he was right. It was time to quit blaming myself. I don't have to worry about this child, he's safe. What can I do for him?

I set to making a place just for him. The first thing we did was plant a grapevine. Then we put up a little white picket fence to create a memorial. I wanted something unique but beautiful to be a part of the memorial. Being a massage therapist I use stones quite a bit. As a therapist I understand that stones have purposes, and a energy that is uniquely theirs. I thought what better thing to use as a memorial for my precious son than a stone taken from a local creek. So I loaded the kids in the car and we went rock hunting. I somehow had a picture in my head of the stone I wanted, nothing too small, flat on both sides if possible, but I didn't want a headstone looking rock.

Imagine my surprise when only after 10 min of looking the right stone shouted out "here I am!" Not literally of course, but when I saw it, I pointed and said to my son, that's it.

My strong 15 year old took the stone and as heavy as it was carried it up the embankment of the creek to the car. I called a friend of mine and within a week we had a beautifully painted stone with his birthday, name and a couple of designs.

It was a rare time when I was grateful for the tremendous wind we have in our city. The stone dried within only a couple of days and I was able to spray it with a waterproof coating.

Doing these small things for my son, has been so healing for me, and helped me in my forgiveness of myself. I know he doesn't need these gestures, but I hope he can look from heaven and see something beautiful.  Eventually we'll have an arbor to let the grapevines grow across. We'll do it a little at a time and I know it will help to keep his memory close to my heart.

As soon as I realized I could not blame myself anymore, It was a turning point in my ability to go on. I now can look at his pictures without falling apart. It's as if letting go of the blame is helping me to be closer to him and love the pictures of his tiny person and see how beautiful he truly is. The coolest thing was when I was working on a patient, she asked me how I was doing, I answered that I felt that I was healing and accepting things. She then told me how dramatic my energy had changed in just a short time and that my voice sounded like I was healing. What a wonderful thing to have confirmation that we're moving ahead.

As for the others on my list? Baby steps. Forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to forget. It doesn't mean that I have to say it's ok, or trust, it means that I have to show unconditional love for those who have hurt me. It's a process and it won't happen overnight or on anyone's timeline, but it's ok and I can cut myself some slack and take it a little bit at a time.